Advice From The Devil

Chapter 10 - Gone

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My head pounded, whole body rigid as I perched on the edge of the leather chair. I grimaced from the annoying squeaking of the leather as it echoed through the living room. The house was unusually empty, as all the servants were sent home early today.

The cold air in the loft did no justice to the chills running down my spine as I unwillingly watched father pace back and forth for the millionth time, his feet hitting the ground below hard enough to make the mahogany floor vibrate.

The almost charcoal black bags etched under his eyes, the worry lines on his forehead, but his demeanor told a different story. He wasn’t worried… no, no. He was angry, furious. Obviously disappointed at his only son, probably wishing he’d sent me off to boarding school, or the military to teach me a lesson.

I rolled my shoulders back and sat up straighter, showing him that his upcoming tantrum wouldn’t scare me. It’s like being hit with the same cold, in the end, you’ll grow tolerant of the virus. I wasn’t a coward, I learnt to take care of myself, I’ve become an independent man and I don’t need him, ever again. Whatever was coming, I was prepared for it.

Something about his presence made me sink right back into the chair. Damn him, father always had this ability to make anyone feel insecure about themselves. It’s almost as though the time I’ve spent away from him, working on myself and trying to make myself tougher, just disappeared at the sight of him. His black aura has permanently marked itself on him, in my eyes he was no less than the devil, and all that was missing were his horns and tail. It strange that I’d even consider comparing him to the devil, I’m as religious as the nannies taught me to be, but it just felt right to share the similarities.

My eyes darted to mother who stood in the corner of the room, eyes stooped low, gazing at the floor as her face hung saddened, every last hope fading. It’s like seeing the only shining light of hope slowly dimming to the darkness. I’ve always questioned how my mother came to fall in love with a man like father. Then again, the devil’s job is to deceive cunningly.

She hesitated to make eye contact with me, as if she were afraid to see disappointment in my eyes towards her. She drew circles on the floor with the tip of her shoe, something I knew she does to calm herself. Her breathing was slightly hitched, and her shoulders sagged as the rest of her body shrunk to hide in shame. She looked just so damn vulnerable.

 If she for even one second thinks she failed as a mother, then I failed as a son because truth is, she is the best mother a son could ever hope for.

It wasn’t her fault she couldn’t physically be here with me. Every time she’s tried, there’s always been a barrier in between. No denying it’s been that selfish pig.

Nonetheless, she’s never stopped sending me her love.  I knew that even though she couldn’t be with me, she still thought of me from the small gestures she would make whenever she got the chance. I just wish I had more of it, maybe I would’ve been a better person.