I want to mean something to someone...but I know I don't deserve it. I never will. No one...should ever have to deal with my nature. In truth I don't really want someone to because all it is is subjecting themselves to death...but this empty feeling inside won't dissapear. I try and try to fill the void but nothing works. Probably because I'm meant to just live with it as everything I try to hold down resurfaces like a cup forced under water.
Writing does nothing for me anymore because I can never find words to make me feel anything..I don't want to be another body in this stupid world...but how could I have been so human as to think that one girl would fix that for me..would make me feel. I know better. No ones going to save me and I'll just let myself drown.
There's a hole in my heart that may never be filled. If I look back at my old works...I can see my mind detereoriate piece by piece. I keep thinking how tired I am of people asking me to try. As if I haven't been "trying" my whole life, for people who didn't and don't deserve it. But I don't know when the last time I fought for something was. Maybe it's time I fought for myself. If I only knew where to start...
There's this aching in my chest that reminds me I'm longing for something. I don't know if it's from missing you or just missing something else entirely. It's a reminder that the apathy that once was able to dull the pain is no longer enough. Not being enough for anyone else is expected...I just didn't think I'd never be enough for myself.
I'm trying to learn to deal with loneliness by being okay with being alone and it's not working at all. Probably because they're two different things.
It's hitting the inevitable point which will lead to a day of hospitalization. I don't want to tell anyone how sick it leaves me feeling at night. How I feel like some teenage girl at a party who ends up spending their night by the toilet instead of on the dance floor, like I want to go lay outside naked in 32 degree weather because I feel like my skins on fire. I've tried. To use supplements. Something to replace it, rather, ease the pain at least. It just makes it worse. At the end of the day what can I do? Complain more? It's pointless either way. I'm just waiting for it, and to be honest I'd rather just faint already and get it over with.
I feel torn about who I am. I know it's something that constantly changes for everyone. Who I am now isn't who I'm going to be 6 months from now. But I can't help but wonder how to maintain a sense of self. The way I am now and the things I do...is it because it's a product of who I was all along...or is it because I was angry? I feel like its a combination. I think anger started it. I was angry at Crim. Angry at Elle. At Artemis. Then it turned to hurt, and this is how I hid it I guess. But through hurting I learned about different parts of myself and maybe the world wasn't as black and white as I had been brought up to think it was. But now its as if in doing so I came to terms with one side of my self. Embraced that side and solely identified with it. It felt good. I felt...more whole. But now its as if the feeling of being whole is gone. There's an absence as if that part suddenly left my body. I know it's there still. But it's weaker. For obvious reasons. But it makes me think I should get more in tune with the other parts as well. And I don't know how. And in doing so it makes me question if what I've doing is right. Even though I know its not right or wrong, it just simply "is." I just have a hard time accepting that. I don't know why. If it's not about right or wrong, and it's about what is and isn't, doesn't that just mean that everything is about a want or longing? That seems just as bad. Wanting is fine until it hurts someone else. But it's no ones job to make anyone else happy. Which again just leads full circle back into people make other people happy because they want to. And when they want to its usually because theres something the other can offer right? I would kill to be healthy again right now. Let alone sleep. It's been a month since I've slept more than 3 hours each night. Most of the sleeping I do is during the day now.
"I hate myself. I have no friends. Just a blurry reminder of being second best." Is all that's repeating in my head right now. My mother will never love me. She doesn't even know the defenition of the word. But knowing that jewelery is worth more to her than I'll ever be just...whatever. This hope bullshit is a lie. Things aren't going to turn around and get better for me. They never have. No matter how hard I try. I just want a place to call home and someone to care about me instead of vanity, status, money, or what I can do for them. I want actual unconditional love or at least something a little better...and this isn't it.
