Maybe I should just do what everyone else is doing...one night stands only. No emotional attachments. That's all anyone ever seems to want from me anyway..my body.
Why can't I believe in myself?
I'm restless and exhausted yet sleep will bring the haunting memories I try so hard to avoid. I can't help but wonder if you'd even accept me if you knew or if it would push you further away. I feel like I could at least sleep if you were next to me.
Is it wrong to live in a perpetual state of giving in to what you are and hating what you've become?
Is it better to fake being okay so you won't worry or should I let you know how much pain I'm in?
Why do I keep doing this?
I've always thought of the rain as the gods' tears. I wonder what they would weep for and if we would weep for the same things. I can't help but think their tears bring life while ours bring nothing.
What do I really want?
Recently any mistake I make scares the shit out of me, makes my heart race from panic. Even small things that have no reprecussion or downfall, something like knocking over a closed ketchup bottle. I have this fear of failure but it's never been personified to this extreme. So...what caused it?
I can't tell if it's pride or not anymore. Or if it's to preserve the ideal of moving forward and away from toxic people. I know I need it. But it isn't smart to get it in the way I used to. One mistake doesn't mean I'll make it again but I'm nervous to risk it. It makes me miss how easy it used to be in a way. But I can't continue being as weak as I am right now. Especially with everything that's happening. On top of it, I feel so...off. Like I'm not myself. I don't know if it's just because of the state of health I'm in or if it's something more. I just want to feel like me again I just don't know what that means. I'm greatful for everything that has been coming towards me and I know I need to maintain a little bit of patience when it comes to what I want. I'm just wondering how my health will affect it all.
