I hope this is the right choice.
I can't decide if you're worth it or not. Worth the risk of exposing myself to you and being vulnerable. You have someone and part of me doesn't want to get in the way of that, especially when I'm not sure you even want me...because in truth what can I offer you? Would I be the better choice in your eyes? Would it make a difference? Do I just want you because of a name and the fact that I can't have you...? Is it because I think you're easier than finding someone new? Would everything change if I told you my secrets or would it make you like me less since I'd lose my air of mystery? I guess in a way I fear your answers. Specifically the one as to if you don't talk to me because you don't think I'm an option or if you just never thought of me as one because you don't want me.
I haven't been sleeping much over the past week. I think Ive managed to get maybe 20 hours or so total for the whole week. Its not that I dont want to sleep. Everytime I head to bed I'm sleepy and then I lay down and can never fall asleep. My mind wont shut up and even when I manage to focus on something else its not enough. And all I can manage to wonder is if Im making the right choices. You feel so fucking right but getting involved right now feels so...inconsiderate.
I feel so fucking sad and I don't know why. I feel alone. And confused and not really sure what direction I'm supposed to be going in. Everything has been going well. I just can't find the answers to these two questions that keep repeating in my head..."Why do I feel like there has to be something wrong with me in a sense that I invalidate my own feelings?" "Why do I feel the need to constantly give so much of myself to other people without taking anything in return?" When I get like this...all I can think about is how I used to talk to Art through you and how it was comforting. And going back to thinking anything about you just hurts right now. It kills me inside just like it did all those years ago. And I think the only reason my brain is doing it is because I feel so lost again. I don't feel like that when I'm with Laura. But I can't rely on her to magically cure all my doubts and answer all my questions when I don't even think she'd understand where half of them were coming from. I'm practically being handed her in a way and my dumbass is going to try to compromise and let things flow instead of trying to control them. This is so hard and I haven't had a full nights sleep in almost a month now. I just want to sleep without waking up multiple times. I want to feel relaxed again. Some sort of reprieve from everything. I know I've been asking for a lot of things recently...but please help. What is this teaching me?
Why can't I let you go? Even if I accept I can't, that I'm just going to have these feelings for you no matter what, where does that leave me? I can't fucking have you so could they at least do me the decency of allowing me to be able to move on? I just want closure at this point. To put my feelings out there and be done with it but I can't fucking do that. Not with the way things are. Or maybe that's just the lie I'll keep telling myself.
I feel like I'm being held in place by invisible threads that are becoming more and more tangled as time passes. If I try to break free it causes some sort of mental pain or heart ache just for the threads to grow back again. I wish I hadn't dreamt of you last night. I wish I didn't seek sollace in your arms and was able to find it within myself. But I guess I'm incapable of giving myself what I need, just like you. Could you just tell me you hate me? I feel like it would make things so much easier. Words aren't always enough.
I deleted your contact information three days ago. It feels both empowering and just depressing to accept the reality that you've made your choice. Mainly because from the outside it seems like you only chose her because of the financial situation. Which, I don't know which hurts more. The fact that I told you I had a fear of being used for that to then find out that's what you're using her for and it could have very well been your intention with me. Or the fact that even though you knew I had money, you still chose her. Elle told me she had feelings for me again today. I know she's probably just interested because I'm the only one she is close to who's available. I don't...I don't know anymore. I just...wish things were easier. I'm tired. I feel more apathetic towards my love life than I ever have. Maybe its for the best since I was never meant to reincarnate anyway. But I was lied to about that too so nothing new there.
