Why is my self worth determined by someone elses' feelings?
I look around this house and all I see is constant reminders of my fucked up childhood. Love trying to be shown only through material things, remienents of a parentship that didnt work out, destroyed by a simple lack of communication. Forms of self medication that evolved to slight addictions that now have been replaced with substance. The empty feeling that remains from knowing for years your mother would never love you only to have it confirmed by other people. Trophies and pictures to remind you you're a waste of space with no hope for natural talent to develop into something that could actually carry you through a life where youd have meaning one day. Reminders that what once began as environmental is now clinical. There is no escape.
Everytime she tells me she loves me I feel like I'm about to throw up the thousand knives she just forced down my throat.
I constantly push people away. I've done it my whole life. I don't know why the idea of someone else doing it to me is so shocking. But that's not really it is it? No. I'm lonely. For the wrong reasons and asking for help seems pointless in a situation that can't be helped.
I was never meant to be loved for anything more than my body.
They stay because they want something from me that I won't give. I leave because I feel guilty for what I ask for even when I know it's not a lot.
I'm scared of turning back into who I once was but I'm still going to let it happen or else I can't protect you. Or myself.
I hate not having all the pieces of information I need. I hate having to feel confused about what exactly I am to you all while trying to figure out which part is stronger in your mind: the part that hates me or the part I can't figure out?
The fucked up part is I'm willing to keep living for other people for you.
Who are you? And what do you want me to be for you? Your answers always leave me with more questions and a craving to vape away the fact that aside from one other person you make me feel something when you're near and I haven't exactly figured out what that is yet. I'm not sure if I ever will.
Why do I want the one thing I know I'm never meant to have? I sit here wanting a realtionship with another person, something real and yet I despise the idea of it because I know all I'll ever be is a hook-up at best, if even that. I'm not meant for relationships and it would be easiest if I just accepted it. But here I am sitting on my bed paralyzed by my shackles because of the pain I feel from the loneliness that will always be there. Why can't I just let it go? There's no one out there looking for me.
All I wanted...was a healthy environment. And I'm never going to get it because the person who makes this one unhealthy is preventing me from it. And my only other option isn't much better. I might as well just live in a cardboard box at this point. I'll never be fucking free.
Please. PLEASE don't make me go through this again. I can't handle it. Hell I think even she knows I can't handle the possibility and that's why she didn't tell me. Everyone I get close to...this always happens, only this time it's similar to the shit that happened with me. I know when I wake up, maybe it'll be fine, and I'm probably over reacting because I'm having a panic attack and I'm restless, but holy fuck, another person stuck in a hospital who's currently my best friend? Why? Why does this happen to me is such a selfish thought but it's only because I want her to be okay and my fucking track record with luck in this area sucks.
I'm an asshole. And I'm only sorry about it to the people I care enough about to not want to hurt. Yet somehow things never work out the way we plan.
Maybe part of this chapter will finnally come to an end. In a way knowing the truth will finnally bring the closure that I sought out more than 3 years ago. Im scared of the answer in a way because I don't know how I'll react.
I don't get how you can be that way. Do what you did to me. Create a lie for 6 years, make up a person that was never real all to get me to date you, to use me for sex, and then you call and ask me to care still? Are you fucking serious? No thanks. I'm done letting negative people back into my life.
Ever since I saw you again. Ever since you came back into my life. I haven't been able to sleep. At first maybe it was because I couldn't stop thinking about you. Now...I don't know what it is. The restlessness, the memories, the nosebleeds...I'm trying but fucking hell what am I supposed to do? Do you have some weird anti-vampire repelent installed into your tiny body? It can't be that. Or else I wouldn't want you. But it wasn't like this before and you're the only possible catalyst. Even if it's not just about you now. How am I supposed to take this? I can't keep laying in bed til 4am hoping by some miracle I'll fall asleep. I can't keep this mindset from running rampant. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it.
Todays been a blurry reminder of being second best. I'm trying really hard to raise my vibrations for you. But it's not easy. I'm just feeling really alone right now and everytime I get this way I miss you. I want to be this person who's always strong and is always the rock for you but I just can't. I have feelings too.
It's funny how much impact trauma and mental abuse can really have over your life. We hear about it all the time with teenagers or young adults. But what happens when those teenagers grow up into their 20s and still are tormented by their abusers? Think about how long it takes them to heal from that. How they wonder if they even can. Then to try to heal yourself over it while continuing to endure the onslaught of detremental commentary. It's not like it was 65-70 years ago where you could afford to move out at 18 with one job because our economy wasn't completely fucked. Some of us are physically stuck there despite trying to manage to get one job, let alone another, to even begin to afford a place to move out to. Then we get lucky if we can pay our car insurance, car payment, utilities, groceries and cell phone bills on top of it. The mere fact that when you hit your 20s you are expected to have all of your shit together is insane, but imagine that expectation while being told you're worth less than jewelery. It suddeny becomes pretty fucking hard to force yourself to do anything remotely productive because you question if you deserve anything at all, even if it's something as simple as a glass of water. Just fucking imagine.
I haven't thought about you in a long time. But right now...whether you were real or not I miss you. For selfish reasons. Lately...it's felt like if I bring up any of my problems they sort of just get swept to the side...and I'm still expected to listen when others complain to me. You were one of the only people to ever exist within my life who actively gave a fuck about my feelings and offered to listen...and advice that actually showed you cared enough to actively pay attention. I don't talk to people often about my feelings anymore. But everything sort of hurts today. Nothing excessively bad happened it was just a bit too stressful. And now... I don't know I'm just lonely. I was scrolling through an app and someone from my past popped up but it wasn't who I wanted it to be. Not mecessarily because I want to talk to them or see them. But just to know they're alive I guess. I don't know whats wrong with me...I have such a hard time making genuine connections with anyone I'd want to actually persue a relationship with. It's so hard for me to tell where I'm at. One second I want a relationship and the next it's like...I don't feel like I'm compatible with any of these people. So many things bave changed...monogomy seems to be a dying breed and I don't want a polyamorous relationship. In my opinion it breeds the issues people seek to avoid by entering into one. I can't help but feel like...maybe there's something wrong with me? I know I'm picky...but I don't know. Where am I going wrong? I wish you were around...you always had an answer. But I'm pretty sure you'd hate who I've become.
