It would be easier on nights like these if your body was against mine to keep me warm.
It was for her. It will always be for her. In a way I think thats a good thing but I cant help but wonder if she wasnt in the picture if you would have just let me go. I still would have wanted you to either way so I suppose it really shouldn't matter. I can push the thoughts away.
I'd say I miss the islands because I had no obligations towards anyone. No trying to spread myself thin between socializing and work. But I still was thinking of how she wasn't there with me.
I hate this constant feeling of lonliness because now I've reached the point of wondering if it's my own damn fault when I know good and well it doesn't make a difference who's at fault when I'm just not meant to be around other people.
What will I do when you die?
Funny that I come back to read the last thing I wrote on this when now I'm thinking the same thing about someone else when all I can think about is seeing that finish line approaching and wondering how I can save them because I know damn well I can't feel that fucking useless again.
It's not fair. I've been forced to be okay with being alone my entire life and at one point I was...but the one time I'm finnally not it doesn't make any difference. So what's the point?
Tonight is harder than it has been. It's been almost 2 months. I feel incredibly weak and sick, not that I'd ever tell anyone. It's very on and off so I'm not sure how much longer I'll last like this. I don't like the idea of testing it but at the same time I'd rather deal with it than inconvience someone. Hopefully I can sleep it off and feel better when I wake up. I know it eventually won't be something I have to worry about but for now...it's something that must be managed.
