Nothing Left to Burn [DISCONTINUED]

Chapter 2 - Another Miracle

When Negan was first locked away, his sentence was practically solitary confinement. It wasn't much different than what he'd inflicted upon people, though it was much more humane. There were no beatings, no torturous music, and he even had a window and got real food. In the beginning he was visited once a day with a meal and once for someone to change out the bucket that served as his bathroom. With so little food, his hunger was never sated but Rick made sure to let him know it was the Saviors' fault for taking so much.

For once, Negan had nothing to say. For the first few weeks, neither Rick nor any of the few other people tasked with tending to the prisoner heard his voice. Whenever someone came in, he was lying in bed with his back to the bars, focusing all his energy on hiding the fact that he'd just been sobbing. He was ashamed and grieving, caving in on himself in his own private hell.

He couldn't get his last memory of Aven out of his head: she was in the distance being dragged over a short hill into view and dropped on the ground, her body falling limp. There was blood in her dark red curls and dripping down her face and she, along with the other Saviors, were surrounded by Rick's army. The memory was like a nightmarish landscape painting framed and hung prominently in every corner of Negan's mind. It plagued his dreams. Whenever he slept, Aven was there suffering and there was nothing he could do about it.

Even so, he tried to spend as much time asleep as he could. It passed the endless time and his nightmares were better than his waking thoughts, though not much. Negan often wondered if Rick knew just how torturous a punishment he had inflicted by leaving the man alone with his thoughts of the people he failed and lost. Negan's mind was constantly spinning with misery, anger, and guilt over the two loves of his life. With nothing to do but think, there was no escape from self-produced torment. The internal agony was so taxing that it was usually easy to just sleep his semblance of a life away, except at random points throughout the day when there was too much noise outside his open-air window. He swore the kids of Alexandria played out there on purpose to disrupt his slumber.

Sleeping to escape his problems became even more useful when his longing for Aven started to mix with memories of Lucille. He'd never fully mourned his wife and now he had all the time in the world to do it. After losing her, not only did he think he'd never love again, but he swore it. He swore to her and to himself that there would be no one else. Of course, he still had needs.

Having multiple wives at the Sanctuary had been a tactical move on his part, for more than one reason. On the surface, it exemplified and solidified the power he wanted to exude in every aspect of his life. But more importantly, it created a physical and emotional barrier so he could enjoy sex and affection without betraying Lucille. It worked out so well, until the second Aven stepped into his life. He barely even stopped to think about what he was doing, just long enough to acknowledge that he wanted Aven and was tossing any reservations about love out the window. He remembered the promise that he made to Lucille and he disregarded it without another thought. Even though he kept his precious bat close, he let Lucille down. Again.

He let his people down too. Another reason he had so many wives was to enjoy the perks without developing a weakness that could be exploited. If he had someone other than himself to look out for he couldn't ensure his own survival, whether it was because of an enemy who played upon that weakness or whether he succumbed to the weakness himself. And in the end, that's what happened. He let Aven in. He did it even knowing what falling for someone would mean. His feelings for her clouded his judgment and it was his downfall, and hers.

For a time, he became angry at Aven. Sometimes he even blamed her for his failure and tried to forget her. He was mourning two people at once and the easiest thing to do was completely deny the one he'd known for such a short time. But when he learned Aven was alive he couldn't keep trying to push her out of his mind. When Maggie delivered that news, somehow everything made sense in a way. He would never stop loving Lucille, but love for a memory and love for something real and tangible are different. Lucille was gone, packed away in his mind with an evolved kind of love reserved solely for the dead.