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Venting ......Session 1

I hate myself it's not like I ask for this .you ever feel like you have a moment in life where you believe your truly close to happiness and then just realize your not because everything is going wrong in your life. I tried to turn my life around and start fresh but the past I was so ashamed of and guilty of didn't go away, in fact, it followed me and I feel it every time. It's my heart .....It beats so hard but if you put your head close to my chest you will realize you can't hear it because it's so damaged and barely clinging on to life. My sadness is just driving me crazy it's like I crave so much that I consume everything that comes my way, you ever just want something so bad that you kill yourself trying to find it and keep repeating it over and over trying to find a way but fail........ I don't want to care anymore .......I don't want to live.......I don't want to breathe .......I don't want to feel something pounding across my body. I need my drug but I had to let go cause I was overdosing and killing myself loving her knowing genuinely I wasn't supposed to be applying myself this much. I have suicide, depression, blood, broken written all over my face and my body I just want somebody to yell at me and blame me for everything in life like................He sank his teeth in my body and for a second I felt pleasure and then pain and then a few minutes after my hands become swollen and then now I look at my body I see razor blades scares  and his teeth indention in my skin but he found happiness and went far way I lost a friend and saved myself from a heartbreak ..........It's the love that keeps going because I know so many people rely on it but when I need to rely on somebody there is nobody.