Life Update

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by jadaxspade

by jadaxspade

I been in and out of my mind lately ...slowly drifting away ... I honestly feel like my heart is turning against me but then again I am my biggest enemy ...I hurt myself more than ever and it's because I keep creating a imagery of perfection and a beautiful love story that won't ever exists ...I feel DEAD I feel HATED I can't feel like I been loved and I constantly feel like I am never good enough , with everything going on I just make anything happen to me to keep people around even when I don't like it ....

* School *

I been getting distant I am trying to drop out of school ..I see no purpose in it . I mentally abuse myself going into a institution that bring me sadness and self doubt ...it's like I am living at society standards in a smaller area kinda sucks to be there . I blend in with nobody but yet I look like a regular kid when I am far from that . I get mental break downs more than ever ..and being here doesn't help .

*Suicide *

I have been trying , but if I fail I have slot in the table to risk which means I can possible to go a mental faculty...And I am honestly trying to fight this shit you know . I feel depressed and trapped mentally like it's torture in my head ...My heart is at war and my body is fighting demons . I am doing this by myself you know I feel tired now . I just been saying in bed crying looking like a sick fuck .

Relationships : I met this girl ... You remember when you were a kid and the excitement you feel when the ice-cream man came ? I feel that with her ... I feel .... honestly I feel fucking depressed I feel like I am not good enough I feel like I don't impress her ..I feel like a regular person but then again I feel so special with her and I really like her ...I love her ..My heart and body is slowly dying down from her ... it's not there you know ..I just want my own mini me but better like happier ...

Sexuality : I debating being a trans .....I just want change myself ... I want to cut my hair and tattoo my skin ... but I feel like I am gonna be judge even more I feel like people will hate me even more . I honestly cry about it a lot .... I don't wanna be labeled ...I hate sex ... cry every time it doesn't matter if i am dominant are being submissive I just feel weird out but everything and it scares me because I don't know what the other person thinks . Everyone is always pleased except me and I feel something is wrong with me . I always feel like something is wrong with me . I want to yell at myself .

Music : more rock a little of everything yk .

The end .