Ranting

I'm <insert emotion of chapter here>

Thurs, Nov, 15, 2018

I don't know what to say about anything realy. I want to update, but have nothing interesting going on; i want to state something, but i have almost no opinions; i want to create something, but i have no idea what; i want to feel something, but at the same time, don't want to feel anything; nothing really get's me excited anymore. I want to act, but i think that i will just mess up or not get cast; i want to sing, but i want to state things that are true about me and sing a song about being fully pansexual but my mother is hime and she is slightly homophobic. She also might tell my step dad and my step dad is very religious. Whenever there is anything gay or slightly like that, he makes an audible noise of disgust. Loud and proud. It's like a grunt. Ehhg. Just saying that he thinks it is wrong but he isn't going to say anything because that would put ideas in heads but i'm still going to make a statement. He is always telling me to be the best version of myself, but hiw can i do that when i am hiding so many facts about me from everyone. Like how whenever i pass the picture of Nate Keen i pat the picture because he is now a drag queen, and is not asshamed of it. The history of my youtube is basicly Gay, musical, more specific musical, gay, another gay, musical. If my parents found that, i have no idea what they woukd do. I don't want to be like my favorite cousin of all time and cone out to her parents, and have one of them hate you. She is amazing and the fact that she is gay is going to change the way her mother thinks of her. I don't want that. I dont want to be sent to a conversion camp, because who knows what really happens there. I don't know if my parents would send me to one, but i have no idea. Im not doing to hot in a lot of the thinks i'm doing, i have meh grades, and meh performances and meh dancing and meh social life. I have a few friends at my high school, but they are the best friends one could ask for. I also feel like i have to be the happy person, that says NO to all the suiside jokes that my other friends make, i have to be the smile that you can depend on, i have to be that one girl who thinks that she has a posotive body image. I i have to always be this idealistic version if myself, and somethimes i'm not, but i still have to hide that fact, and put on a mask of happiness and cheer for the game even when the instructor tells me, You need to get new reeds for your instrument, or you can't play tomorrow. I watch almost all my friends get boyfriends and i am truly happy for them, that is a true accomplishment, but have that voice in my head say, why don't you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Eh? Why? I know that i do not have an attraction to anyone in my grade, or my school for that matter, and i don't want to lie to someone and say that they are the one for me even when they are not. But my mind still says that i need a boyfriend or a girlfriend to be cool. I saw a girl from 40-50 feet away but still felt attraction to her. Then i found out she is a senior in highschool, and is probably srtaight. I don't know why nothing is right for me. And i don't want to answer, i don't know, because when I answer that way, people say, yes you do, or they roll their eyes at me. Most if the time i just don't say anything, and it all works out fine, but when i say so ething, i screw it all up