Love Shouldn't Hurt (My Personal Experience With Emotional Abuse)

The Chameleon Pt. 2

Exposed

Since the very beginning, as far as I could remember, I was alone. Love didn't exist in my dictionary; I was selfish, defensive, aggressive and I still can be like that... after all I am only human. I've come a long way from being the girl who saw everything as black and white, The girl who felt like the world was against me and it could burn along with everyone in it. I was scrutinized for my own scrutiny (and how could I blame them now), for the color of my skin, for my weird speaking habits, for my weight, for my above average intelligence, for everything. Every little thing I felt was held against me and as I grew up, in context, it either grew lax or unbearable. I started to worry what people thought of me, scared that they wouldn't like me for who I was and thus as their opinion of me gained more meaning to me, so did my own judgments of myself . I've grown desperate to be this false epitome of "perfection" that doesn't even exist, seeking somebody to love me for my flaws, while maintaining the "people pleaser" aspect I have placed upon myself. And unfortunately, my ex lover was that person.

I was devastated the first time I broke up with them (yes, first), because no one has ever loved me as more than a friend. No one has ever made me feel special like they did.. Ironically. I truly loved them, back then I would even say I would take a bullet for them. But I was clingy, this was my first romantic relationship and my first break up, and my unkempt Codependency was still rampant in my mind and heart. I remember reading the cute posts Scarlet and they would make about each other and crying myself to sleep. I was so jealous and angry but that was quickly taken by sadness and loneliness. My ex lover made me confident in myself, proving to everyone including myself that personality matters over physical appearance. And when they left I felt like something was horribly wrong with me. I was enough, "perfect" for the person I loved one moment and then the next, I'm not enough to satisfy them... I remember not really being able to talk about my feelings in exception to a handful of friends but even that wasn't enough to release my anguish. I took it rough, and I hate myself for not taking the chance to move on then and there. I just stayed in my room, never coming out of my own accord, crying, wishing they would take me back.

And the fateful and unfortunate day came, where they apologized for hurting me and asked me to take them back. Desperately, I said yes, because at this point it wasn't just because I missed them; it was because I couldn't physically function without them. I felt I needed them so badly in my life and was fooled into thinking they regarded me the same. If you had what is presumably called "daddy issues™", then finding healthy relationships and establishing boundaries is going to be more difficult. It's even worse for people who had been bullied like I was. And then the cycle started again, the silly walks in the woods, conversations regarding our family and life, but then it took a twist for the worse.

I remember talking to my ex and noticing how off putting our conversation felt, I remember asking what was wrong . I don't remember what the response was but it was among the lines of "I didn't take my medicine". I urged them that taking medicine prescribed was not detrimental to their health and that if they didn't like it then they needed to tell the doctor but they aggressively rejected my suggestions. My ex yelled and refuted, angry at me for urging them to take their medicine that they "don't need". They hang up, and in hour long minute or minute long hour, they calls back apologizing for their behavior. That was the first and last time I talked to them regarding medication; and that was the first and last time I got yelled at for no viable "good" reason.

Still that experience sticks with me because of how fast they turned on me; it scared me. I never saw that part of my love again but I know it still lingers. But besides that little hiccup our relationship picked up where we left it (until the "fishing" trip); the talks of marriage, children, and school started to happen yet again. And then I realized, I never talked face to face with my love, it was always voice to voice; of course I saw photos of them and pridefully carried them with me wherever I went. Now looking back on it, it was bizarre how our conversation went when I suggested we do a video chat.

"I don't have a computer" they interjected.

"Really? Didn't you used to have one? What happened to it" I laugh in attempt to brighten the mood.

"It got wet" they blankly replied.

"How wet? I can try and ask around my family to see if I they can give you advi-"

"It was thrown in the pool"

"I beg your pardon?"

".. My brother threw it in the pool"

"So when will you get a new one?"

"Maybe in Christmas, but I want a new phone before I get a new computer"

I was taken aback by this, they didn't really state how their brother threw it in the pool in the first place and if they did it was probably not memorable or not finely detailed. I found that really odd, but what was more odd was in a few weeks, they post a photo that seems to be them sitting at a desk posing in a cosplay of some sort which I could only assume was from a webcam due to the quality being higher than a flip phone but not as high as a tablet. Either this was a very old photo or the love of my life lied to me. Then my paranoia and trust issues started to kick in.

The Fishing Trip

I started to gather all the evidence I can find learned via my favorite show, CatFish. I downloaded every photo of them and reversed searched it in google: zilch. But photos can be cropped to make it impossible to reverse search it I remind myself. I compare the photo quality with my 2015 Toshiba and confirm that the quality of my photo sucks in comparison. But newer models have better cameras I told myself, plus the position of the camera screams laptop on a desk. My paranoia swelters as I my suspicion retrogrades to a theory that the photo was old. And then, I found my biggest hit. There was a video of one of their cats eating a strawberry linked to their supposed YouTube channel. I clicked the link and my heart drops; the name differed from the one they gave me.... MAJORLY. My paranoia strikes and I take my evidence to them to see what their "explanation was", bad move in my part....

I texted them and in the middle of our "happy" (I was in tears panicking so that's why there are quotations marks) conversation, I ask about the YouTube channel that mysteriously was not named after them, and I get nothing from them for what seems like a millennia. And then they finally texts back.

"My cousin and I share that channel, It's under their name"

"Really?? So you aren't lying to me"

"Of course not, I would never; I love you"

I'm at ease. I relax. But something still doesn't feel right. I compare the photos I had of them  and the face structures don't match up. they were bearded one day, and then in a few days they were shaven clean, and then a few days after that, they had more hair than what they had originally started with. All of these photos were posted in chronological order and they took them in real time and posted them the same day (supposedly). Their stories mix and contradict, their selfies don't seem like the same person, they change every time. And in the midst of my speculation I get a DM one day from their wattpad.

"Don't answer your phone" they say.

"Why what happened?"

No reply.

And then my phone rings, showing their contact name.