Love Shouldn't Hurt (My Personal Experience With Emotional Abuse)

Their Deactivation and what Happens Next

It's July 23, 2020. The world is ravaged by a horrible pandemic, scavenging for a cure. Yet here I am still on this earth scrapping by and working hard. My high school job has become more than a part time job but a family that I can rely on when I need the hours. College is going to be expensive I know it, and I can not pay for it on my own. I used to count the days since I last talked to the one who I used to dream about marrying when Obama legalized gay marriage. Now I can barely tell you how long it has been since I've tried contacting them and amending our relationship. I know I was young, but I don't remember really how young. All I know it that I changed a lot since then, and that I have big things planned for me now that I know I couldn't do if they were still with me. 

I'm on twitter mostly, I have an Instagram and Snapchat but I never post anything. I see that Wattpad had a security breach so I come back to prevent and further damage from my destitute account. The account that used to mean so much to me as a tween but now I don't really care for. The account I really left open for Love Hurts and to show my growth from CTIHS ( crazy things I have said). 

My last chapter revealed that a wiped account was my ex's attempt at starting on a new slate, to cover up their history and to start new again. Like I have mentioned on my board, they have deactivated.  Whether it was because my audience took action or the fact that I published what was going on is unclear, but the account was deactivated. The whole point of this book was to bring myself closure to what had happened to me and to make sure to minimize the power and effect my ex has over their next victim, and I did this by exposing their strategies, and their wattpad persona. My memory is still fading, I'm not sure if it's an active form of repression or I'm getting old and it's a natural occurrence, but I'm pretty sure I have shared everything about how my ex uses psychological abuse and have caused enough ruckus that the community is aware that they exist. The biggest step forward is the fact they have left the platform and thus spares anymore users from experiencing pain and discord like me and another person.

however just because they have left wattpad does not mean they will not come back. They may be hiding in another account and I'll never know. do i wanna know? I've already put so much effort into writing this that I'm not sure if i want to continuously expose them over and over again for their actions. All I've ever want was closure, closure to why they tricked me and lead me on even as their identity had been revealed and we tried to carry out a normal friendship. closure to why they told their family I was ignoring them when in reality I just needed time to redefine my sexuality and change my moral standing on homosexuality since I grew up in a catholic family with aunts and uncles thinking bisexuality is merely a phases and with grandparents thinking gay marriage is wrong. I needed some kind of closure to stop being haunted by the nightmares of not being abused and fears of being used. 

they refused to give me that closure, even after all these years. so I made my own. this book was my closure. the deactivation of their account Is my closure. I'm satisfied with the work I have done, so I'm not sure if this expose should continue. the only way to make this a perfect ending would be if they were to physically reach out to me, and start a narrative about what happened and we can both find solace now after all the pain we probably endured. but I doubt that will happen. so for now this is it. this is my happy ending.

there is no what's next. this is it.

and for the person who broke my heart, if you are reading this, then you finally know how i've felt all these years. you are free to contact me and we can start to get closure for both sides. but that's it. I will not leave the door open for anymore than closure. you may have been physically absent from my life but not a day goes by where I don't suffer from the damages you have caused in my self esteem, sexuality, and fundamental understanding of relationships; not to mention you have been with me every excruciating step i've taken in this life mentally. letting you be physically involved is not an option. If you must know how I am now then I will share this, I graduated in the top 11 %, i climbed to one of the highest orchestras in my school, and I plan on studying psychology + criminal justice to become a forensic psychologist and help people who have felt like me during the ups and downs of us. and no, I'm not going to attend a local uni, I'm going to a big university, known for their cj program in Texas and is one of the safest schools in the states. I only did this because you weren't here. and in order to keep it up, I'd rather you not have a big part of my life anymore than what I have suggested.

If I am contacted i might update this book. only if i feel like it is valuable for this journey of mine.but for now, this is goodbye. thank you everyone for reading and supporting my journey. I will not deactivate but I will most likely remain inactive since I have so much going on right now.