A Self-love Story

Chapter 5

It is so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.

Dear diary,

Today had been one of those days. You know, the ones where you feel so out of it and you seem to be drifting through the day, hardly noticing anything transpire around you. It wasn't that I was so lost in thought that I didn't notice anything around me. No, it was more like my mind and body both felt hollow. I felt completely empty. I could sense things and people around me, it's just that I didn't care. Every feeling seemed to have evaporated from me like the last few drops of water left in a bottle in a desert. I could hardly feel the curious stares at my face when I was at work or the chilly air invading my nose when I walked back home.

Every time someone made a rude comment or made a face at me, I ignored and brushed it off, unconsciously. But I knew that they would be stored in my mind to haunt me on darker days. My demons may disappear, but they would never truly leave. Through the day, various memories tried to surface. Happy memories that I had buried in the back of my mind, that would make me ache with longing because of the glaring lack of them in my life now.

"Momma, I'm an angel," I squealed, flour dusting my cheeks and mom's wedding dress hanging off of me. Mom's arms wrapped around me, lifting me into the air and twirling me around.

"Yes honey, you'll always be an angel and you don't need a dress to prove it. Your sweet shining soul filled with love is enough, now give Mommy her wedding dress back!" her sweet voice turning mockingly threatening towards the end, whispered in my ear.

Boy isn't she wrong, my thoughts chorused and I agreed. My soul was about as shiny as the colour grey. My life seemed to be as dull as grey too. Wouldn't mom be proud?

I didn't have time to think too much on that thought or feel bad because the next memory had already surfaced.

Theo, Charlotte and I were sitting on a pale pink blanket that lay upon the soft green grass that glistened silver in the moonlight. Our eyes were only fixed on each other even as the stars were scattered across the dark blue sky like diamonds, shimmering brilliantly. Our laughs mingled in the air as we licked the sweet ice cream gripped in our hands. But what made the night memorable was the company which brought us more sweet bliss than the cold dessert ever could.

Theo kissed the crown of my head and Charlotte shouted, "Hey! Your overflowing amount of cuteness is making me lose my appetite!"

"That makes no sense," I replied giggling.

"If you really didn't want to see this, then why'd you decide to third-wheel on our date?" Theo asked, teasingly.

"Hey! I'm not third wheeling. This is a double date. I'm here with the ice cream. I only came here because of him, the love of my life," she replies, making Theo and I laugh.

And again thoughts of my previous life invaded my brain and took over my thoughts. Ah, Charlotte and Theo. Oh, how I miss them, despite all that they have done because they represent a period of my life when I was happy. A period of my life when people made me happy and I made people happy. If someone had told me then that 3 and a half years down the line, I'd be completely lonely with no true friends or family for that matter, I'd have probably scoffed in their face. The bitter irony of that nearly makes a hysterical laugh bubble out of my lips.

"Aaaaaaah!" I screamed as the world around me blurred, making my head spin. The ruthless wind snatched my words out of the air and made my hair whip around me.

"Calm down Ti, it's just a rollercoaster," my brother Kieran replied, howling in laughter.

"I hate you! I hate rollercoasters. Stupid stupid things! Why did someone invent such a torture device," I shouted back, making my evil brother wheeze in laughter. Eventually, he held my hand and squeezed it. "You'll be fine Ti. You have me, always," he said, a sudden seriousness overcoming him. I squeezed his hand back just as the rollercoaster suddenly dropped, taking my stomach with it and I screamed again, the feeling of weightlessness too much for me to bear. My brother's laughs echoed in the background and I shouted, "I hate you!"

"No, you don't!" He responded grinning and we both knew it was true.

Each memory raced through my head, so fast that my mind could barely keep up. So instead of thinking too much into it, I let myself experience every memory as though I were an outsider, as though I was watching flashbacks of a movie.

Those memories were full to bursting with happiness and should have made me smile and made my heart balloon with that incandescent happiness. And it would have, if life turned how I'd thought it would. But life is no one's slave, it doesn't bow to anyone's commands.

Memories of happiness only stood to emphasise how...not-happy I am now. While it should have filled the holes in my heart, it only stretched them further open and imbued them with emptiness. Such a vast emptiness that keeps growing and growing, sucking all my feelings into it and leaving me a shell of who I was. Actually, at this stage, I don't even know who I am. But isn't that the aim of life, to figure out who one was? The thing that troubles me most is that I desperately don't want to find the answer to that question. I'm too terrified that I won't like it. Just as I feel myself regain my centre and find some calm, I'm assaulted by another memory. Who knew happiness could be so painful?

My body feels weightless as I soar through the air. My joyous squeals echo through the house, mingling with the rest of my family's laughs, my dad's deep chuckle being the loudest of them all. He slowly lowers me back to the ground and I pout disappointedly. He sighs playfully and lifts me onto his shoulders again where I pretend to be a giant.

"Listen to me you, teeny-weeny humans, I am your king because I am... bigger than you-"

My brother rudely interrupts, "And if we refuse to listen?"

"Then I'll put you in my mouth and chomp chomp chomp you down. Mmm, yummy yummy sweet humans," I reply, rubbing my belly. Everyone laughs and I can feel my dad's shoulders shaking from atop my perch on them.

"Will you make me human mousse for lunch?" I ask my mom.

"Of course, your giantness," my mom says, miraculously not letting laughs erupt out of her mouth, unlike my own which produce boisterous giggles. Mom hands me a bowl of chocolate mousse with a bright red cherry on top.

"Hmm, not bad," I say as I lick a spoonful, pretending to be critical when in reality the flavour bursts across my tongue, making it tingle. Dad grabs the bowl from my hand and puts his finger in it and smears some of it on my cheek before licking the rest.

"Aah!" I scream and my dad laughs. He pretends to drop me and laughs again when I shriek. Then he twirls me once in the air before placing me gently on the ground.

The thought that immediately  follows the memory is, how could he have been so gentle with me then and so harsh with me now? He hasn't called or bothered to check on me from the moment I left his house, actually from a little bit before that. When did he decide that I was no longer worthy of his love and affection? Was it my fault? Well, of course it was. He loves his other child, my brother Kieran, so there must be something wrong with me. Am I too broken to be loved? I hear a resounding yes echo in my brain and my inner voice says, You are so broken that no one loves you, least of all you.

Yours,
Tia.

Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. I am open to feedback and random comments that float through your head when you were reading.

P.S If the story is getting too sad, sorry about that but it's kinda meant to be that way. But I promise it'll get happier!