A Self-love Story

Chapter 9

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

Dear Diary,

In the morning before leaving for work, I took some time doing my makeup. I tried to make myself seem friendly and open, all the while knowing that makeup wasn't entirely going to do the trick for that. I needed to be more open in terms of mannerisms. But I couldn't just become open to people all of a sudden after all that has happened to me. The accident may have caused the scars on my face, but the scars on my heart were caused by people, people I loved and trusted. I just can't bring myself to trust people easily, anymore. How could I, when the people I gave every part of my heart to, not only let it fall to the ground, but also trampled all over it and left it bleeding? So I'd just have to pretend to be open. Fake it till you make it, I guess.

I went to work with a smile pinching my lips and my walk slow and comfortable, normal, but it was all fake. On the inside, every nerve was quaking and my heart was almost bracing itself for pain. My heels dug into my feet, but I didn't notice that much. I focused on seeming normal, which was a word that was so alien to me now. I was no longer normal, not even remotely close, but I needed to pretend to be normal. I let my gaze skim over the people around me, slowly, but in reality, I was discreetly seeing their reaction to me. Were they looking at me with shock, fear or...disgust? I immediately realised that the number of people staring at me was close to none. So that was the problem, my attitude, not my scars? I was so caught up in thinking that I was abnormal that it showed on my face and in my walk too, that was why people stared at me. I must have given off a stay-away-from-me vibe. So there really was nothing so abnormal about me? The realisation made my smile a tiny bit more real and made me more confident about myself. Maybe it was my makeup, maybe it was my smile or maybe people just sensed the change in my attitude because people waved and sent smiles my way. I was surprised, but I covered it up by smiling back and wishing them good morning in return.

My every step felt lighter and even the emotionless face of my boss couldn't bring down my mood. It almost felt like I was floating along the gallery, a sea of smiling faces of people on my either side as if cheering me on. It felt...kind of amazing, to be honest. I walked to the newest position assigned to me by my boss. The darkness of the gallery was still warm and comforting for me, but now I somehow felt as though it was a tad bit brighter. A tiny foolish thought popped into my head that maybe the light inside me was making this darkness brighter. I gazed at the abstract painting in front of me today. In the painting, there was a huge cloud of darkness, a formidable presence casting a dark shadow over the rest of the painting. The cloud drizzled dark drops of acid rain on a girl below. The drops splattered on her skin, spreading like an infection on them, but she was not deterred. There was a small smile on her face as she twirled in the air, her skirt and arms spread out wide. I saw myself in her and the painting spoke to me on a deep level. All of a sudden I saw the anguish battling with happiness in her eyes, but most of all I saw the steel behind them. The one that told me she would never stop fighting the darkness and would find light however she could. And if she couldn't find the light she would become the light herself. Had I become the guiding light in my life too? Or...was I always the guiding light in my life?

A heart-wrenching sorrow clenched my heart in its tight fist, but the tiny drops of joy worming their way in between loosened its grip. Why, sorrow? Well, all of a sudden I was reminded of all the darkness in my life. I was suddenly reminded of all the raindrops that scorched my heart. Every betrayal, every moment of loneliness and the sting of abandonment flashed and played on repeat like a movie in my head. A horror movie. The scariest kind. The real kind.

And why joy? Well, I felt a deep connection to the girl in the painting and I felt like I had finally learned to dance through the darkness overshadowing my life. I felt a sense of accomplishment, but I also knew that the darkness scorching my heart would never truly disappear, I'd just have to learn to allow joy to be the balm to that pain. Tears had filled my eyes and I had blinked them back. I didn't know whether they were tears of joy or sorrow and I'm still unsure about that. All I knew is that I had finally made some headway in my life. I had finally taken control of the reins of my life and had begun to learn to steer it in the direction I wanted. The right direction.

I would always be the girl that went through a battle, an ongoing battle, but I would also always be the girl that fought every day and survived at the end of it. I might have scars that were a constant source of pain, but they were also a reminder, a reminder of the battle I survived. A reminder of my inner strength, something that I didn't think I had enough of until the moment arrived when I needed it more than anything.

That night I went to sleep with a mind buzzing full of thoughts, a heart filled with emotions and a soul ebbing with strength. The night brought terrible, terrible things. I shut my eyes and I relived the car accident. I stared once more into my mother's eyes as she moved on from this world. I heard the harsh words of my classmates as they made fun of my scars. I felt the pain as my boyfriend left me. I saw my dad praising my brother and ignoring me day after day. I felt it all and I woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and panting heavily. I looked outside and saw the darkness blanketing, no suffocating the entire sky, but even it couldn't stop the stars from shining. The stars weren't shining all that bright, maybe that was because I was in the city, or maybe it just looked that way because of the film of tears covering my eyes, but they were shining nevertheless. My body was drenched in cold sweat and it was shaking despite being bundled up in warm blankets, but somehow the stars gave me strength. It felt like I could feel their warmth from where I was, or maybe it was what they signified. They showed me that even in the harshest of conditions one can shine.

I let the tears on cheeks dry up and the ache in my heart subside. I knew I shouldn't feel sad anymore, but my heart doesn't understand. I knew I should be happy that I'm finally making progress, but it feels like for every step I take forward, I stumble three more backwards. The moment I close my eyes, memories of my loved ones flood my thoughts and fill my heart with longing and I can't stop them. I know I'm making progress, but I'm still alone and unloved and my mind still works against me from time to time.

The memories that haunt me most are not the ones of my loved ones, but of me. The Tia before the accident. I keep seeing a smiling, happy girl and it makes my chest ache. How have I changed so much? Will, I ever go back to...normal? Is that even normal? Should I become, or want to become like I was before? I don't know the answer to that question. All I know is that I do. I do want to become like how I was before. I want to be happy and feel complete. I want to feel like everything is okay. I want to be okay. And at that time in my life everything was perfectly okay, more than okay actually, it was amazing. Sheer bliss. I want that again. The only problem is that I have no clue how to go about achieving it. How did you erase the scars formed on the heart? 

Yours,
Tia.