A Self-love Story

Chapter 13

Recovery takes time, but a broken bone heals stronger than before and so does a broken heart.

Dear diary,

It's been a week since I last wrote in you. In this week I've learnt so much that I can feel my mind overflowing with knowledge. Okay I can admit that I'm kind of exaggerating but I did learn a lot. I didn't go to a library and study or anything mind you. And no I didn't get deep advice from a stranger on a park bench either, my life isn't that movie-like yet. My teacher has been...life. I've been learning from life. It truly is the best teacher. Every day for the past week I've tried my best to return the reins of my life to my heart. If you're wondering what I mean by that, read on.

Three years ago I was this happy carefree girl and I had completely let my life be ruled by my heart. Then sorrow and disappointment and betrayal had ripped that very heart into a million tiny pieces and I didn't know how to think with my heart again. How could I let my heart rule when it was broken into tiny fragments, I had thought. Which piece do I follow, I had wondered. Now I realise that broken hearts can be mended. They will never be the same as before but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. And following your heart, no matter how broken it is, is something that we all have to learn to do in life. Your heart embraces your most passionate loves, it cherishes your fondest memories and it holds your deepest desires. Following your heart does not only mean to go after the ones you love or try to find love, but it also means to chase after your dreams. To walk through fire, build mountains and break down walls to find the truest happiness you can find. I understand that now.

So, I gave my heart one week to show me what true happiness felt like. I got a taste of it and now I want more. I can't resist. After getting a taste of it I couldn't understand why I let myself wallow in my pain and loss. I don't know why I ever kept myself from finding happiness. Maybe after all the terrible things that had happened to me, I thought that I was undeserving of happiness. But I was wrong. What happened to me wasn't my fault and blaming myself is sensible as blaming a rape victim for what happened to her.

The first day I woke up and spent a moment gazing at the sky, simply because I wanted to. The blazing ball of fire painting the sky with streaks of orange, the dark grey clouds still reminiscing about the night, unwilling to welcome the sun yet and the light grey clouds haloed by the sun's light left me awestruck. The view was truly beautiful. The sky in semidarkness was still beautiful. But what made it more beautiful was the meaning behind it. The meaning that I chose to get out of it. Darkness need not mean evil or negativity, it can be beautiful in its own way. Each one of us is like the sky during the sunrise. Each of us is part light and part darkness. Some of us have more clouds haloed by light and some of us have more clouds shrouded in darkness, but all of us have a sun, shining bright and blazing fiercely in the core of our hearts. Sometimes when we can't find that fire in us or when we forget that it's still there, a little darkness helps remind us how brightly our suns are burning.

I had finally realised the purpose of the darkness that had engulfed me, drowned me and blinded me. It made me realise that there was still a fire burning in my heart and that gave me comfort. It reminded me of my own strength to endure all that I had without giving in to the darkness. Darkness was like that coach who had insulted you and goaded you and pushed you harder and harder until you finally reached your true potential. I don't know my full potential yet, but what I do know is that it is not to just survive every day and forget to live life. 

So, each day for the past week I went and did all the crazy things my heart desired. From the smallest things like eating all the ice cream I wanted to huge things like spontaneously going to Las Vegas. I have been to skating rinks, museums, theatres and even a few malls. I shopped when I felt like it, ate when I felt like it and left when I felt like it. I didn't force myself to do anything and it was so freeing. I think I really did need a break because now I just feel so...refreshed, almost like a new person. I feel like I was was a caterpillar and now I've finally shed my cocoon and allowed my wings to unfurl. I haven't started flying yet but I now know that I can and that I will. Oh and I also quit my job at the Black Archive. I just realised that it wasn't my calling. Don't get me wrong, it was not in any way useless. It taught me a lot about feelings but I know that it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life. 

I'm still not too sure what is it I actually want to do for the rest of my life but I think the answer will come to me. For now, I think I'm just going to take a little break. I think over the past few years I never let myself relax. For the first few years, I forced myself to abandon all traces of emotion because I believed that by letting emotions in, I'd drown in them. Then when I finally let emotion in, I only allowed entrance to the negative ones. I was suffocated by guilt, shrouded by grief and engulfed by loneliness. I had then tried to become the carefree happy girl that I was before tragedy struck me. Now I realise that trying to make myself into someone else is unnecessary and will ultimately result in failure. So for now, I'm just going to be myself, whoever that is and let myself relax. I'm going to let life show me who I am. I'm going to let loose and stop worrying about who I am, who I need to be and the million other things that I'm sure I could be worrying about.

I'm not going to think of all that I've lost or all the expectations placed on me by myself and others. I'm just going to be me, Tia. Tia who has lost all of her loved ones. Tia who isn't sure of what she wants in life yet. Tia who is scarred, both emotionally and physically. And I know I don't love her fully yet but if I never let her surface, never let myself see her, how will I ever learn to love her? So here I am right now, sitting up in bed filling my diary with all my thoughts. I can see the paintings I made today strewn about my room and they may look like trash to others, but they are important to me. Those paintings represent a time in my life when I had to be strong and face so many terrible things that my mind put me through. They represent a dark period of my life, but I've decided to try to embrace it. I have to start by embracing the darkness in me and only then will I be able to see the light, I think.

Yours,
Tia.