A Self-love Story

Chapter 11

Be happy and a reason will come along.

Dear diary,

At first, it had felt like someone was shining a flashlight right into my eyes, but then I came to realise that that was just the sunlight. Every part of my body had felt sore and I realised that that was because I had fallen asleep right there, with my head resting on Kieran's chest. His moving chest. Thank goodness! I had quickly lifted my head to see his face even paler than before. I stared at him for a few moments when suddenly by some miracle one of his eyes had fluttered open, followed by the other one. I was transfixed as his pale blue eyes focused on me. Then something unusual had happened. His eyes filled with guilt and I had stared at him, confused.

"Come here," he croaked and that broke me out of my trance. I blinked happy tears out of my eyes and leaned forward to wrap my arms around his body. He lifted his arms slowly and let them rest on my back.

"I am so so sorry, Tee," he said and the old nickname made more tears rise up to my eyes because it reminded me of my past. My perfect past where my brother and I were as thick as thieves. Then it dawned on me why he was feeling guilty and was apologising. He had heard what I had said last night. I held him tighter as he sighed in my ear. The sound reached my ears as a sigh, but it spoke to my heart in the language of remorse and sorrow and somehow, even love.

I wanted to tell him that it was okay, but I couldn't bring myself to, because it wasn't okay. He rubbed my back soothingly for a few moments and his body warmth enclosed me and reached all the way to my heart. Somehow a hug, just a hug from someone I loved made all my worries disappear for a moment. For that one moment, I was just a sister relieved that her brother was alive. For that one moment, I felt safe.

He eventually pulled back and looked deep into my eyes. I could see the tiredness that seeped into his eyes, but he still took a deep breath and whispered a few words into the air between us, the air that seemed to hold still for a moment as though it too was anxiously awaiting his next words.

"I'm sorry for all the hurt this world caused you. I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you and I'm sorry for not being there for you when you needed-" he broke out into a fit of coughs, but when I took a step forward to help him, he held up a hand. "-me. But just remember mom's last words to you, be happy. Do that. Not for her, but for you. I know you don't think you are worthy of love, but I love you and the world will too, if only you go outside and show them your true self. Do what makes you happy because that's when we are at our best. Don't hide in your little shell, always cowering from the world, because life only put all this pressure on you because it knew that you had the capability to become a diamond. So be that diamond Tee. Be that diamond and shine like you were always meant to," he smiles a watery smile at me and shuts his eyes tiredly.

My eyes filled with tears. Somehow it felt as though his words went straight to my heart and mended a torn portion of it. He was always the smart sibling, the successful one and so his words made me feel something I haven't felt in a long time. They made me feel important. Like as though the world really needed me. Every word he said attacked the barriers I had built around my heart and made them crumble into dust. His words were meaningful and so heartwarming. The tears that dripped down my cheeks were those of complete joy. I had put my arms around his torso and hugged him. His eyes had fluttered open a little and he had hugged me back.

He had then pulled back a little and said softly, "I'm so sorry but this is goodbye Tee." And I had then that he would move on from this world in some time. I clutched his shoulders and openly sobbed into them and he'd shut his eyes out of tiredness.

That night too I stayed at the hospital and got the news in the morning. Kieran had passed away, peacefully in his sleep. He had somehow known that he was going to die. He had even given me a heads-up of sorts, but that didn't stop the sorrow from leaking out of me in the form of tears. It didn't stop my heart from crying out and screaming in agony. It didn't prevent my heart from thrashing against the barriers that held it and trying to break out of my chest. I went home and let all my feelings splash onto paper. I screamed at my walls and threw my pillows around the house and then when all the fight left me, I crashed onto my bed and cried myself to sleep. Be happy, he had said. I can't today, Kier. I hope you understand. I promise you that I'll do better tomorrow. Please don't be disappointed.

But his words had rung in my head all night. They played over and over again like a broken radio. Be happy. Happy? How was I supposed to be happy? Do what makes you happy, his voice echoed inside my head, answering my question. But hearing his voice in my head reminded me that that's the only place I'd ever be able to hear it again. More tears left my eyes and my heart somehow managed to hurt some more. How can such a small organ cause so much pain? How can it possibly hurt so much? Will it ever stop crying? I can always stop the tears from leaking out of my eyes, but I don't know how to stop my heart from crying nonstop.

Shine like the diamond you were always meant to be. I don't know how I'll do that, but I'll start by trying to be happy. I'll make myself happy. I'll try my very best, Kier because I know that now I'm not only living for me but for you and for mom too. And I'll make it count. I'll make all of our lives count because I love you both, and I know you love me too.

Yours,
Tia.