A Self-love Story

Chapter 12

Life is like a bicycle. In order to keep your balance, you must keep moving.

Dear diary,

Today I woke up with makeup and tears dried on my cheeks. When the water from the shower washed them off, I felt like the sorrow and fears that came with those tears got washed off too. They went swirling down the drain, leaving both my body and heart cleansed. I put on my work uniform and stood in front of the mirror. I imagined Mom standing next to me with her hand on one of my shoulders and Kieran leaning against the door with his arms crossed and a playful smirk on his face. The image made me smile, then tears stung the back of my eyes, but I blinked them back. I would not start crying again. I had work to get to and if I opened the floodgates, they'd never close and finally in the end when I was completely drained, I'd just be left with red eyes and tiredness replacing the sorrow I had felt. No, I can't let Mom and Kieran down like that. I won't let them down like that, I thought fiercely.

I had walked down the street, suddenly viewing everything differently. Every person walking down the street must have been facing problems of their own. The man who had shoved me out of the way might have been rushing to the hospital to see a loved one. The woman who had been wearing a perpetual frown and glare might've just gotten out of a painful relationship. I enjoyed the feel of the wind caressing my face because I shut my eyes and imagined that it was Mom's cool fingers instead. I relished in the sound of the obnoxious loud man laughing into his phone as he talked because it reminded me of Kieran's laugh. Then I remembered telling Kieran that I would live my life. Live my life...how? Do what makes you happy, his voice had echoed in my head.

I had the most absurd idea, but it sent a spark of excitement rushing through me. The excitement seemed to multiply with every second and soon that tiny spark had grown into a full-blown fire, raging in my heart. Adrenaline had flooded my veins and, my heart had begun to beat a fast rhythm against my chest. My breathing had quickened and a smile hovered over my lips. I had checked my purse to see if I had my credit card and almost squealed when I realised that I did indeed have it. I had nearly run to the subway but I settled for skipping excitedly.

My knee had jingled as I waited impatiently for my destination to arrive. The lady beside me gave me a scathing look. I had muttered an embarrassed 'sorry' but the excitement continued to make my body tremble. I fidgeted with my fingers and tried to stop the grin from sweeping over my face, but it was persistent. I'm pretty sure I looked absurd to other people on the subway, sitting there with a goofy grin and shaking with excitement, but I couldn't help myself.

I don't remember how I got from the subway station to the entrance of Disneyland, but I was there. I stood before Mickey Mouse and took a deep breath. Yes, I was really doing this, I had to tell myself. I paid the entrance fee and walked inside. Suddenly seeing so many people walking around in that huge place caused doubt to start creeping into my mind. Did I really want to do this? Would I really be able to do this? Was I stupid for trying something so crazy? Question after question assaulted my mind, stripping away every ounce of excitement and leaving me naked with my fears and vulnerabilities. Doubt after doubt chased after me like a swarm of bees attacking an intruder who tried to break their hive and destroy their home. They pursued me as I tried to run. Finally, when I stood behind a tree panting in relief that I escaped, they appeared out of seemingly nowhere and suddenly stung me all at once. The doubt was overpowering and the suddenness of it almost made me dizzy. And that was just an analogy, there are no bees and I wasn't literally running.

Why did I make such a rash decision, I wondered. That was not like me at all. These days I didn't even try out a new cereal, let alone some crazy idea like skipping work to go to Disneyland. Then all of a sudden I had remembered that it was like me. Just not...then. It would be something the Tia before the accident totally would have done. So that means she's still in me? The thought had filled me with a tiny bit of confidence, but it was enough to clear the faze of doubt in my mind, making my destination shine before me like a beacon. I willed myself not to think too much and enter, consequences be damned. But everywhere I looked, I saw past memories haunting me.

At the caramel apple stand, I saw a little girl clinging to her dad's shirt, begging him to get her a second one. He took one look at the golden-brown caramel glistening on her face and huge doe eyes blinking up at him and sighed. "Oh, Tia, with a look that persuasive you'd make one hell of a  lawyer," he said and I had giggled gleefully, ecstatic that I would get another caramel apple or as I had called it then, Sweet Gold.

I turned my gaze away, but this place held a million memories of my loved ones and escaping from them was about as fruitless as trying to hold water in a colander.

I looked at a Disney worker dressed in a genie costume and I saw Kieran carrying me and placing me on the genie's shoulders. I had shrieked with glee and had whispered in the genie's ear asking if he would grant me three wishes just as he had granted Aladdin.

He had said, "Well, I'm a little tired today, so I can only give you one wish. So what is it that you wish for, princess?" I had giggled at that and racked my brain for something I wanted. My legs were hurting a little and I looked at Kieran and suddenly an idea had sparked in my 6-year-old mind.

"I want Kieran to carry me on his shoulders today." The genie had laughed and Kieran paled slightly.

"Your wish has been granted, princess," the genie announced in a booming voice, winking at me and giving Kieran a meaningful look. Kieran had sighed and said, "Hop on, princess."

I think he regretted it the most when I spilt ice cream in his hair and tried to clean it with my bare fingers. Recollecting the memory made me laugh and then brought tears to my eyes because it was just another reminder that I would never be able to annoy my brother like that again.

As I sat in a rollercoaster today I had been reminded of clutching Theo's arm in a near death grip when I had sat on this very rollercoaster three years ago. He had laughed that beautiful laugh of his and given my hand a soft squeeze. That one gesture of his had calmed my frazzled self and soothed my nerves. But Charlotte's loud laughter ringing from behind us and her, "Scared, Ti?" had brought it back. I can still remember my panic-stricken screams as the rollercoaster went up and down and looped around itself in the air.

This time the rollercoaster hadn't seemed the little bit scary. It didn't frighten me one bit. It wasn't scary anymore because I had faced much worse. I had gone through the bone-chilling terror and soul-crushing sorrow of losing every single one of your loved ones. I had nearly lost my will to live and had gone about my life in a zombie-like trance. A rollercoaster ride was nothing compared to that kind of torture. I felt a shudder rack through me as I remembered all the terrible things that my mind had inflicted on me. But the rollercoaster ride wasn't that easy either, I still had a few stomach-dropping, head-spinning moments.

Afterwards, I was sat on a bench with my head limp in my hands. My hands were dug deep in my hair, pressing my skull as if to empty it of the bittersweet memories it held. But did I really want to forget? Did I want to forget all the experiences that made me who I am today? No, sounded resoundingly in my head. So that means that I don't fully hate the person that I am today. The realisation made a smile blossom on my face and a lightness began to fill my body, lifting the heavy curtain of hopelessness. I had lifted myself off the bench. I had ridden every ride that I wanted to. I had eaten every food item that made my mouth water. I had let myself loose and forgot to worry and compare my new self to the Tia before the accident, mostly at least. And somehow, the memories ceased to haunt me. I can't say that they didn't invade my mind and thoughts, but I can successfully say that they no longer made my heart heavy, and the tears that they sometimes brought to my eyes were mostly happy tears.

As I'm sitting on my bed right now, writing my day's adventures I feel pride lift my heart. Pride, that I took Kieran's advice and finally managed to do what makes me happy. I have finally started living my life, I think. Mom and Kieran would be so proud if they were here. We are honey, we sure are, my mom's voice echoes in my head. And imagination or not, it makes me lay on the bed with a smile instead of tears, for once.

Yours,
Tia.