Fifth Universe

Self Control

Waking up on Fenix's shoulder was the least surprising thing that happened this morning. For the first time in days the awful escape pod started to lower, and Axel pointed out a few tree tops in the horizon. Everything seemed to look up for once.

I try move away from Fenix to look out the window, to see trees for the first time. Fenix's rough hands cover my eyes and he pulls me closer to his chest. I can feel his breath on my neck now. I don't think I'll ever get used to being this close to someone, especially not him. His lips press against my neck, and  send shockwaves of warmth through my body. As his chin rests on my shoulder, my eyes stray to where Axel sits, a bitter look crosses his face when he watches him touch me. What does he see when Fenix is close to me that's so terrible? He moves again and I'm swallowed up by his embrace. I no longer think of Axel.

"Don't look yet." He whispers in my shoulder. It's only then that I realise I'm sitting on his lap. I awkwardly shift away. "Sorry."

Fenix's smile is sweet, he stares at my hand. "Don't be sorry. A feather would hurt more if it sat on me."
His joke makes me feel strange. I decide to sit on him again.
"Why can't I look?"
None of us acknowledge the elephant in the room. We all try ignore what our minds refuse to. I'll do anything to keep Fenix happy, even if it means pretending nothing happened for the rest of the trip. However long that may be. Fenix notices the tension, and ignores me.

"How many days did you say I was absent?" Fenix turns to Axel. He pouts at his place near the window and says nothing.
"Three days maybe." Foxy answers for him from her place in the drivers seat. Something about her answer makes Fenix stiffen. He sits up and I move off of his thighs.

There are thousands of things I could ask him, but watching him stare at his scratched helmet is torturous. "What are you going to do now? We all know about Kai, are you just gonna show up and let everyone else see you?"

Fenix refuses to look at me, and speaks in his bossy instructor tone. One that I've grown not to like. "Of course not. There's only four of you. Tell everyone I'm a psychopathic, braindead soldier and they will do one of two things. Believe you, or think you're the psychopath. It won't do any harm aside from spread rumours. Just don't tell everyone I'm... well, misshapen so to speak. It's the one thing out of your story that'd be logical."
I swallow hard and try to ignore the fact that he called himself deformed. That's hardly how I'd describe his scar.

"Don't call yourself that, Fenix." I argue, reaching my hand up to his face to touch his scar. I can see pain in his eyes as he turns away from me. Foxy and Travis nod in agreement, small smiles on their faces. Axel snorts and stares out the window frowning. 'Yes he is.' I can hear his ghost say. 'You don't know what he used to be.'
I would argue with him, and say that he doesn't know either.

"I'm glad you think so." Fenix speaks softly. He looks at me again, sharing the same hopeless smile that Foxy and Travis do. "I wish others felt the same."

I watch his eyes change from awake to tired. Locked in a daydream, maybe a memory. I wish I could see what he did. To understand would make me closer to him, in a way no one else is. Then again, I think we are more similar than either of us realise. One of us, born and raised as an experiment, and the other turned into one. A life given and another taken away.

I find myself being swallowed away into a daydream too. One about fields and trees and flowers. I wonder what surprises will await me when our ship lands. I can almost hear the songs of small birds in the sky, and cicadas in the long grass. The cool feeling of mud between my toes, dandelions swaying in the wind. And I'll get to share it with my friends, which in my opinion, is the best part.