Loving Benjamin

Are We Official?

Mondays... I hate Mondays.

Ever since Formal, Ben and I have been talking about potentially becoming official--it's been two months.

"If you don't want to, then it's fine. I sort of feel like I'm pressuring you into having a relationship when you aren't ready for it."  I look up at him, waiting for him to respond, but it never comes so I continue, "I know Oyama and Vy are pushing it a bit."

We continue walking around campus near the basketball courts, he finally speaks, "How long have you been praying about this?"

"Let's just say it's been a really long time," I decide to say.  To be honest, I've been praying about it since I first started talking to him.  Well, not about dating possibilities, but that I am thankful Ben is reintroduced into my life. The last week of September until the first week of March, I always hoped that Ben liked me the same way I liked him.

Ben nods trying to process "how long" I've been praying about it.

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We make our way back to our usual hangout spot: the school library. In starfish position, I plop down on squishy brown chairs in the back of the room. Ben sits in the chair next to me. "Ugh, I'm so tired!" I complain as I turn my relaxed head towards him. His warm brown eyes connect with mine. I can get lost in his eyes for hours. However, the way I break the eye contact is by sliding my head into his lap.

Unfazed by this, Ben just reconnects our eye contact. "You know, you look really weird sideways." I raise an eyebrow. "You kinda look like an alien." Wow, thanks Ben. I feel so much more confident now. Thanks.  Being super timid in front of him, I show a cheeky smile and cover my face with my sleeved hands.

Suddenly, I feel the room slowly dim darker. I open my eyes and pull away my hands to see Ben's face two inches from me. I know exactly what he's about to do. He looks into my eyes, as if he's waiting for approval. I don't say anything, he doesn't say anything; he leans closer in.

His lips gently touch mine. Oh my gosh, it's happening. I keep my eyes open unsure what to do. My first kiss is happening. I tense up, I don't like new things and this is DEFINITELY a new thing. Ben can sense my stiffness and lifts his head up. "I don't know what I'm doing," I whisper shyly.

He responds, "You don't have to." That doesn't make me feel any better. I feel lost and confused. Ashley! What are you doing? Kiss him back!

But in that moment, I can't. My brain is telling me one thing, but my lips were uncooperative. Someone else being so close to me for the first time feels weird and new. I'm discombobulated, not knowing what in the world you are supposed to be doing. Ben continues to kiss me while I lay there as still as stone. 

 "So... Are we official?" I question as soon as he stops. He smiles and nods his head. My eyes grow big and a smile creeps its way onto my face. I turn to my side burying my face into his shirt.

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The previous year:

One of my girl friends and I made a bet. We were sitting in front of the mirrors of our dance room talking about boyfriends--for some odd reason. For all of the thirteen years I've known her, she has never had a boyfriend but she desperately wants one. "I'm probably going to die alone."

"Nicole! How can you say that? Just wait, a nice guy who will be worth your time will come along." I reassure her, nudging her arm.

"That's easy for you to say, you have Mason." I can sense a hint of jealousy in her words.

"What are you even talking about. Mason and I are not even close anymore. I don't even talk to him." I say setting the story straight.

Nicole lets out a breath slowly, "Have you had your first kiss yet?" I shake my head, not wasting a second. "Okay, by the time you're eighteen, you're going to have your first kiss." 

"No way!" I protest. She smirks as if she knows the future.

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Little did Nicole know then, I had my first kiss two days before my eighteenth birthday...