In The Eye of the Beholder | Jonathan Crane

November 1990

Caught in the middle of a crossfire

Lost my balance on a high wire

Trying to figure out what to do

Pushed to the edge of my reason

Everywhere around me it's treason

I don't want to do that to you

-Sink or Swim (Tyrone Wells)

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"Jonathan!" I sang as the two of us walked together to my home.

"What?" he answered. He sounded bored.

"You know what today is right?"

"Thursday?"

"Well, yeah. But it's more important than that."

"What could possibly be more important than the fact that today is Thursday?"

Sometimes Jonathan's biting sarcasm annoyed me. This was one of those times that it was annoying.

"You're infuriating. It's your birthday! You're sixteen now!"

"Yes, fantastic, isn't it?" he asked dryly. He sounded almost regretful.

"Don't sound like that, Jonathan. Can't you smile about it even a little?"

"Why should I? It's not as if anyone cares."

I stopped walking. I moved in front of him to stop him.

"No one cares? Then what the hell am I doing?" I asked only barely keeping my temper in check.

When he said things like that, it normally didn't bother me. But after the conversation we'd had about leaving Georgia, where he had admitted he would willingly leave without me, I had doubts. I doubted he actually wanted to be around me. Even though he never said it aloud, I knew he was hesitant to remain by my side. I knew because it was in the way he spoke and in the way he acted.

"You know that's not what I meant, Amber," he tried to defend himself. I didn't believe him.

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that I care about you? I've been there for you since we met, even when you didn't want my help! Are you so thick-headed that you can't understand that I care? I've kept your secret, even though I damn well shouldn't be!"

"Why are you doing it then?" he asked. There was no anger in his voice the way there was in mine. He was calm. He was in control of his emotions. I almost wished he would yell at me. It would be normal.

"Because you told me not to tell anyone! What do I have to do to get you to understand that you're my friend and that I care?"

"There isn't-" he sighed and stopped talking.

"Look, I know that you have received no kindness in your life from anyone. I'm trying to give you the kindness you never got. If you don't want it, can you just tell me? You don't have to stay with me if this isn't what you want," I said softly.

"It's what you want."

"You don't really get the concept of a friend, do you? It has to be mutual. Yes, I do want to be your friend, but if it's something you aren't sure about then that's ok. I won't force you to be in a situation that you don't want to be in."

Realization struck me.

"But that's what I've been doing, isn't it? Dragging you along with me when it's something you don't want. I mean, I can see that you don't really want to be around me but I keep coming around. If you don't want me around, please just say it."

"If I didn't want to be around you, I wouldn't be here. I do like you. You're not forcing me to do anything,"' Jonathan tried to assure me.

"I don't believe you."

"Believe me, Amber. I'll tell you if I get annoyed with you."

"Fine. Now can you finish walking me home?"

He nodded and returned to my side.

I still didn't believe him.

"If it makes you feel better, I wasn't planning on doing anything for your birthday," I said after a few minutes of walking. He didn't answer. I listened to the crunch of gravel under my feet.

"I hope you know I do appreciate your friendship," Jonathan said as soon as we reached the end of my driveway.

"But you don't think you deserve it."

"I do appreciate it though."

"That's not the same thing. But I hope you know I appreciate you too."

I watched as Jonathan walked away from me. For some reason, I felt I couldn't believe anything he said. I hated that feeling.

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A/N: I almost forgot to post this. But here it is! I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving!