In The Eye of the Beholder | Jonathan Crane

June 2005

Hope that you fall in love

And it hurts so bad

The only way you can know

You gave it all you had

And I hope that you don't suffer

But take the pain

-I Lived (OneRepublic)

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I was confused and angry. How hard was it for someone to tell another person that they loved them. Once I'd said it, Jonathan hadn't. I knew he cared for me. I knew that. But was it wrong to want the other person to say they loved you? I knew Jonathan didn't like telling people how he felt, but he had said it at least three times before. Why couldn't he say it again?

I watched the news. It was the same as it always was. Murder, robberies, assaults. It was always the same. Sometimes there was news of a masked vigilante. Those stories I paid the most attention to. It wasn't a night for one of those stories.

I wanted to call him. I knew he was busy. He was always working on something. He never told me what he was working on. He said it was confidential information from the asylum. Is it wrong that I didn't believe him?

I loved him. I needed to know if he loved me. Even if he had said it, I couldn't feel any love. It hurt.

I stared at the phone. I wanted to call him, but I didn't want him to be upset with me if he was busy.

The problem was that he always seemed to be busy. He was probably holed up in his office. I knew that it wasn't healthy for him either. He didn't need to always be working. I understood that he had work, but he didn't need to do it continuously.

The phone sat, waiting to be used.

I sat, waiting to do something.

I walked to the phone, dialed his number, and waited.

I hoped he wouldn't be mad at me.

He picked up.

"Hey, it's Amber. Can we talk?"

"I'm busy."

I wasn't surprised.

"You're always busy. Five minutes, please. It's important." I heard him sigh. He didn't want to, but he would. I would make him talk to me. We needed this talk.

"What is it then, Amber?"

"Do you love me?" I was blunt.

"You know I do."

Why did he sound like he didn't care? Why did he always have to have the same cold voice?

"Do I? You haven't said it once since I did. Why don't you say it?"

I probably sounded like a needy child. I didn't care. I needed to know.

"I didn't think I had to. What brought this on?"

I didn't know.

"I don't know," I said truthfully. "It came to mind, I guess. Is it wrong to want you to say you love me once in a while?"

I heard him sigh on the other side of the line. I could imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose.

He didn't answer me for a while.

He didn't answer at all. He hung up.

I put the phone down. He didn't love me. I fell onto the couch, the sound of the news like static in the background. I clutched a pillow to my chest. There were tears running down my face.

I was like that for an hour until someone knocked on the door, interrupting my suffering.

I almost didn't get up to answer. I knew I looked like a mess. But I got up anyway.

When I opened the door, I didn't expect to see him there.

He lightly pushed me back into my apartment and shut the door behind him. I stood in one spot, staring at the floor. Why was he here?

Jonathan pulled me closer to him and pressed his lips to the top of my head.

"I do love you, Amber," he muttered. "You know you're the only one I love."

I vaguely remembered him saying that sometime before.

I pulled away from him. Something was in his hand. A folder.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Something I thought you'd like to look at."

I took it from him and opened it. It was his analysis of the bat man. Albeit one in progress, but it was something he would never show anyone. And he was right, it was something I would like to look at. He knew I was interested in the bat man. I talked about him often. So often, I thought, that Jonathan had stopped paying attention. He hadn't.

"Thank you," I whispered. "I'm sorry I make such a big deal out of things. I know I can be annoying."

"You're not as bad as you think you are. I work with people who bother me far more than you do."

I laughed.

"Thank you for coming, Jonathan."

He kissed the top of my head again. "You're welcome."

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A/N: Here's a late update! Thought I'd let these two have a nice sweet moment before I ruin their lives. See you guys next time!