Fix You.

[20]

I don't even think about it when I say it.

"Don't say that." he says.

"Why not?"

"Because you'll want me to say it back."

"And?"

"And I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't love you."

I don't love you.

I don't love you.

I don't love you.

The words echo in my head like they were shouted in an empty building.

It feels like being stabbed in the chest, and then plummeting to your death from the Eiffle Tower.

I wasn't expecting this. I finally manage to get something out.

"W-what? Why?" I squeak.

"Can't you see, Heather? I can't love anyone, or anything. I did once, and it went to waste. He's gone." he says.

"But I-I love you, I want to fix you..."

"No one can fix me! I'm damaged. Permanently. No fixing. I'm fucked up forever."

"If you'll just let me try, we can talk about it... I'll-"

"No, goddammit! Do you know what the first thing I think when I wake up is? 'Oh God, kill me.' I want to die every second of every day." he says.

I stare at him in the moonlight.

"And the nightmares... the fucking nightmares..." His voice breaks, and he runs his hand through his dark hair, damp with sweat.  "It's the same one over and over. I'm watching Johnny burn alive. And I can't stop it... I-" he's crying now, "I can't fucking stop it, and I get water and pour it on him, but it just makes it worse. I feel the heat, I smell the burning flesh, I hear him crying for me but whatever I do, he still dies. He always dies. It shoulda been me... it shoulda been me... it shoulda been me...." He's sobbing with his head in between his knees, rocking back and forth.

"I want to die! Why can't I just do it... Even if I die, I know I won't be in the same place as him..."

"Dallas... come here." I say. He ignores me.

"Dallas. Please... Stop taking like that..." I reach over and pull him on me. He isn't light, so his weight pushes me back on the bed. His head is on my stomach as he sobs, pounding the bed with his fist. I run my fingers through his hair, and rub circles on his back as I cry along with him.

The full moon shines through the open window as I listen to Dallas Winston break.