Because Of You

Thirty Five - I've Got A Surprise.

Walking away wasn't easy, but it was far easier than it had been half an hour before when I was walking away from him thinking everything was over, that he hated me and we'd never be again. It was marginally okay because I knew I had said sorry I had said what I needed to say and most importantly he had accepted my apology and he forgave me. Had I been walking away without the knowledge that everything was better than it had been before I arrived, well then it wouldn't have been anywhere near as easy. It wasn't easy at all actually, but it could have been harder.

Easier still probably wasn't the right word actually, because it wasn't easy at all. In fact I changed my mind very quickly, I had only turned my back on him a few seconds beforehand and I had decided it was still horribly difficult. It wasn't goodbye. Well actually very literally it was, but it wasn't a permanent goodbye, it was more of a 'see you later'. I felt like that should have made it easier to bear, but it really didn't, not at all. I knew that it wouldn't be long before I saw him again; I knew that even if he wasn't able to just come back to London in a few months that we'd both fly out and see each other, still that didn't make it easier though. It was still very different, I'd never really walked away from him before, ever.

That in itself felt weird to say like that. We had never been a clingy couple, it wasn't like we came as a pair or not at all, it wasn't like I was dependant or couldn't do things without him, we just never really had to walk away from one another. My family had immediately welcomed Gerard to the extent that he was literally one of us, they invited him to Christmas and family celebrations. When one of us went back to New Jersey the other did too, because both of our families were there, we'd just never walked away. I'd done plenty of things without him and he'd done plenty without me, but not an entire relationship based on being apart. We had never walked away from one another at an airport and flown to opposite sides of the world.

Part of me wanted to turn back and go with him, a bigger part of me wanted to go back and get him to bring him home with me. But I couldn't bring myself to turn back, mostly because I didn't want to cave into the stereotype of turning around when you're walking away from someone you love. Then when I got half way up the hallway back towards my gate I remember that about fifteen minutes ago the stewardess had told me that I had five minutes maximum.

In that moment I realised that yes Gerard was really important walking away from him was real fucking hard, but not as hard as missing my plane would be. I was well and truly fucked if I missed that plane, not only because I could be stuck in Greece on my own without my bags for hours, but also because it would cost me more money than I realistically had to spend on flights. Dan would be real mad if I missed the plane too and honestly I think Gerard would be a little pissed off and disappointed in me if I missed it too.

That was when I decided if there was ever a time to run for a plane it was then. I hadn't really been listening to or focusing on anything but Gerard in the ten minutes previous, but I was pretty sure I had heard the overhead speaker say boarding had closed for my flight. It probably had, she had told me I had five minutes about fifteen minutes beforehand.

There were two voices in my head as I ran through the main waiting area and down the opposite hallway towards my gate, both fighting the other. One telling me to give up because there was no fucking way I was going to get onto that plane then, the other arguing that telling me that if I ran I might make it, but if I stopped I wouldn't. I wasn't sure what to think, but I ran anyway I could be mad at myself and feel stupid and deserted in Greece once I reached the gate and found I was too late, not while I wasted time walking.

"Fuck." I groaned when I finally came to a stop by the seats at the gate my plane was meant to leave from. The area was empty, the podium was unmanned and the corridor was empty. "Fuck it." I mumbled to myself looking around to see that there was barely anyone around.