I'm Not Your Mockingjay

Five

Chapter Five

So there I stand, ashes landing on my boots. My nose burns from the smell of rotting bodies and smoking buildings. I've hardly moved from where they dropped me off because my legs feel like jelly and I can't catch my breath very well.

I knew it was bad, but not this bad.

Life as I knew it has been blown away by a few bombs dropped by the Capitol. Well, let's be specific. Dropped by Snow.

Somehow, I find strength in my legs and I began to head towards town. The closer I get to the Square, the more bodies that began to pile up. I have to bite my bottom lip and close my eyes to keep from throwing up my breakfast.

I suddenly want Delly by my side, even though I know that's not an option. For one, Coin would never let an untrained civilian outside of Thirteen. And secondly, I don't think Delly could bear to come back so soon. I just want someone's support. Anyone's. I'm even beginning to regret declining Gale's offer.

But I know I have to do this by myself.

This is a mission I have to complete alone.

"Peeta, are you doing okay?" Gale asks, his voice in my ear bringing me back to reality. I open my eyes and find myself trembling like a leaf just below the hill that leads to the Main Square.

"Yes," I say, hoping my voice doesn't sound as shaky as I feel. "I'm okay. Just needed to stop and think."

"When you want to be picked up, just ask," Gales says.

"Will do." I quietly say.

So, mustering up all the courage I can find, I begin marching up the hill. As I go, I can't help but to look at my people. Their crooked teeth and cracked skulls. Some are dented deeply and others are twisted in awkward ways.

I killed you. I think.

And you.

And you.

The mess Katniss and I made a little over a year ago has completely obliterated everything. My life. Her life. Our people's lives. Other districts' lives. Even lives in the Capitol. Nothing is how it used to be, and it never will be.

And once I reach the top of the hill, my realization crushes me so hard my breakfast finally makes a reappearance.

Bodies of innocent people are piled in the streets. They must have been running away when the bombs hit, hoping to find some safety. Unfortunately, that just left them as easier targets.

I'm not sure how I'll ever make it to the bakery to say goodbye to my family. I can hardly stand looking at the sight of people I didn't even know but feel completely responsible for. If it wasn't for me, they would probably still be here.

I hope that they went quickly and didn't suffer.

I wipe my mouth and continue through the bodies. If the stench was bad from afar, it's worse now. I pull my shirt over my nose in hopes of blocking out the smell, but it's pointless. It's all over me.

I pass by Delly's house. The little shoe shop is laying in crumbles around me. I reach out for a shoe that for some illogical reason is in perfect condition. I pick it up and wipe the dirt off of it. I hold it out in the sunlight, the leather shining brightly into my eyes. I place it back where Delly's house should be standing and it seems awkwardly placed. It looks so clean and new compared to the rubble surrounding it. I leave it there.

I reach the bakery and my chest begins to feel tight. My eyes dart around the scene, looking for a sign of any life. But then I stop. I don't want to see whatever is left of them. That would only give me worse nightmares.