last night i couldn't sleep so i solved my worlds problems through talking
i spoke to my mother and i told her that i'm sorry that she is the way she is because of the society that she grew up in
that she never got to leave our small shit town and become herself
instead she got married and had kids and she fit into the mould that was chosen for her and the one that she is now she's trying to cram us into
but the internet means our wings grew early and they're dipped in steel and they can't be clipped
i'm sorry to her that she never got to be independent and that she has to feel control by making sure we don't either
but mother i am already me
my steel wings grew too big and the mould you chose for me cracked and split open
i am so sorry i will never be what you want
but i'm not sorry that i'm better
i sat down with my friend and told her maybe
she should measure the pros and cons of what she does and says because spontaneity doesn't pay off in the end
following your heart will lead you off a cliff
but then i scolded myself
because that mentality will fail me
because life isn't a business deal i don't have to measure the pros and cons i don't have to think of the yield and the outcome i don't need to think of the potential benefits and losses over everything i do
life isn't a game and it won't kill me to think with my heart every now and then even if it has been dipped in concrete and cracked and there's gum in the gaps
but then i scold myself again because the heart will run and skip and jump and start and stop but one thing it doesn't do is think
it is blind and if i let emotions run me i will get run down
so i sat down with her again and i told her to do what she wants
that i didn't want to hurt her feelings
even if her acid dipped tongue spat venom laced honey
and poisoned sweetness dripped from her lips
wrapped and delivered in good intentions and 'no offence'
i sat down with a guy i flirted with accidentally on purpose and had been leading on for weeks even though i know he likes me and said i'm sorry because i will never like him back i will never have what others want me to give
it's puppy shit not real life but still i'm sorry because i led you on because i'm a piece of shit that doesn't know what's happening cos labels are crap and honestly it's just kind of fun
there are probably more deep rooted issues to explain it but it's 4am so the time to write about it isn't now. maybe another poem
but yes i'm sorry but you don't know and hopefully you won't because that must suck but i promise i mean no harm forgive me
i sat down with the guy that spread stuff about me
it spread like crude oil or marmite
bitter and gross to the taste and thick in my mouth and he called me names and made me out to be a slut and then said sorry
an apology engraved onto broken shards of glass
not sincere not soft
only given wrapped in silk
not even real silk the cheap shit
and only given because i found out in the first place and i told him he's a fake friend the thorn on a rose a pain in my arse and awful
and that his apology means nothing because he knew what he was doing because he saw what happened to the others
the girls with stories
the w h o r e s
their bad reputation travelled faster than the good so before they open their mouths the only thing people think of is where else that mouth has been
and then they turn and laugh and snigger and walk away all holier-than-thou
to those girls i am so sorry because i was on the other side and now i'm one of you
i sit with you in front of me
the other sluts
the not goods
the bad girls
girls that could have gone far but they opened their legs too early for the wrong people they sent the wrong picture the wrong text the girls that ruined their lives so early because the past never really leaves you
short skirt skank
legs showing tits out
how fucking dare you you godless woman you whore it's gods body hide it hide it for your husband and for god
fuck you actually let me rephrase you might take it the wrong way
i will do what i want we will do what we want and i'm sorry you've been brainwashed to think that
to base a woman's worth on her body count and clothes and to focus more on the outside and what's been inside rather than her thoughts and intellect and literally everything else about her
i mean regardless of what you think no matter what she's done she's more than sex on legs and an easy fuck and an airhead and a slut whore skank bitch or whatever else you want to call her
i sat with my friends and told them i'm sorry but i can't be who they want me to be because they all need something different and they all know a different me and i'm pulled in all directions and i'm going to split
the cracks are forming and things are spilling there's nothing left
i'm sorry
i realise now this is not a transcript of conversations this is an apology note but i have nothing but sorry left in me
— —
more spoken word than poetry but ahh well
