Sometimes
Very rarely
But sometimes
I wish I could reclaim myself;
The shattered pieces of me
My soul
My being
My essence
That no longer belong to me
I think of the beauty I could have found in being broken
The love that could have fused the shards together
The hope that could have shone a new light on tragedy
A kaleidoscope of some sort
Something interesting and for someone else's amusement
God knows none of it's any use to me anymore
My heartbreak could have been beautiful
My melancholy that I had no choice but to endure,
that settled as an ever-present chill in the marrow of my bones
could have warmed the heart of another
The pain I lived in like the bed I never left
Could have brought comfort to another
Someone just was broken as me
I think of the broken pieces of me that belongs to all the people I've left over the years
Broken fragments
Shattered
Falling around me like razor sharp rain
A silver curtain falling,
an audience parting with the actors on the stage before they leave ,
fantasy still intact
The pieces fall to my feet and I can't help but notice it suits me more than roses
I'm sorry
I'm sorry for leaving
I'm sorry for wallowing in my own heart-sickness
My selfish tragedy wouldn't let me leave
It held me by the scruff of my neck and we both paid the price
But please keep this diamond piece of me and remember that I used to be better
But please don't hold too tight
Just look and reflect
Because if you hold on too tight I think I might break
Or even worse
I might feel it
Please forgive me
I know I owe you better but once again my selfish sadness gets the best of me and I don't think I can fend it off
Not anymore
I lost the fight a while ago
Forgive me
I think of the piece of me lodged in my own throat
My pride
Fragile
I'm scared it'll break and slice through the silk fabric of my ego
It's the only thing protecting my heart
Bravado is the only thing saving me
Because I don't think it can handle any more hits
It's battered and bruised from years of misuse
I gave it away without a thought and it was handled just as thoughtlessly
I'm doing all I can to protect this part of me
I'm not sure who I'd be without it
I think of the pieces of me people take without my permission
The 7 year old girl shape clutched in the hand of my abuser
His grip is bruising but there's no blood on his hands
Once again I'm the one left hurt
The piece passed from mouth to mouth damaged with acid rumours and shit talking and gossip,
marred and grotesque but more appealing than the truth which is
Definitively worse
Sometimes
I wonder how much is left
Until I realise
I don't care
Because I don't belong to me anymore
But that's fine
I don't want me anyway
