Next To Me // A Stucky Au

Chapter Ten

Bucky was glad it was Saturday. He could go home and mope all he liked and no one would question it. He sat on the sofa, scrolling through the channels and wrapping himself in a blanket, searching for a distraction that didn't remind him of Steve.

It got dark early in March, and, with no better thing to do, Bucky headed out hoping that the fresh air would do him some good. He put on his jacket, which he probably hadn't worn since last March, walked out of the apartment into the cool evening.

Bucky tried not to think about what had happened that day, and instead kept himself focused on where he was, and where he was going, until Bucky realized that he didn't have a clue where he was going. He absentmindedly shoved his hands in his pockets and felt something in there. A packet. He pulled it out and was both pleased and horrified to find a half used packet of cigarettes in there.

Bucky didn't smoke. At least, not anymore. He had for a few months, when he came back from the army and was struggling to cope as he got used to what life would be like now. When he made the avengers and met Peggy, she got rid of them and she got rid of them fast. Bucky didn't regret letting her take them away. When he had Steve, there was alot more reasons for him to not smoke, with Steve's asthma.

But there wasn't Steve anymore. And if he had one, just one, the team would never need to know. They would never need to know. Against all his better judgement, he pulled one out of his pocket and lit it. He blew the smoke into the air and he felt a bit of relief come with it. At least now, he could imagine that Steve was the smoke and he was blowing it out of him, into the air and letting go.

When he was done, he walked home, feeling relieved, but at the same time still ashamed. You promised never to use those again, his brain said as he walked throughout his door. You promised. Suddenly he was overwhelmed by guilt, and just sat down on the sofa and pulled his blanket around himself. Maybe if he closed his eyes hard enough, he would be able to imagine that the blanket was his sister, Rebecca, hugging him and telling him it would all be ok, like she had done so many times before.

He opened his eyes and reality came flying back to him, hitting him like a cannonball. He had no Becca, he had no Steve, and he had just broke his promise and let all of his friends down. He had no one. Not now.

Tears were streaming silently down his face now, and all he could think of was everyone he had lost. And its all your fault, his brain said, you have no Steve, you have no friends, and its all your fault. You're a useless human. Hell, you couldn't even save your own sister.

The tears were coming down in streams now, and Bucky searched for some desperate hope that everything would be ok. He couldn't find any, and at last he gave in to the voice in his head and curled in on himself. He lay there on the sofa, not even bothering to get a shower or change his clothes. He just lay there until he fell asleep, crying all the while.

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The next day Bucky forced himself to get up. He forced himself to have a shower and get dressed and he forced himself to eat breakfast and behave like a normal human being. He acted like if he just pretended everything was fine, everything was normal, it would be. He forced himself to go round to Peggy's house, like they always did on a Sunday, just so he could pretend that he was ok.

He got there, and was unusually quiet, which is something that they all picked up on but didn't mention it. Bucky just sat there, listening to everyone else speak, but not daring to do the same.

Eventually, Nat plucked up the courage to ask him. "Hey Bucky, do you mind coming with me?" She asked, and lead Bucky into Peggy's spare room.

"It's Steve isn't, it," she said at last. Bucky just nodded carefully.

"He hates me. He hates me and it's all my fault."

"What happened? If you don't mind me asking."

Bucky smiled slightly at his friend's concern. "He kissed me."

"Really?!" Nat exclaimed excitedly, "Then why are you sad?"

"He walked off straight after. If only I had been quicker, and told him not to go earlier, it would all be ok."

Nat sat there with a slightly shocked face for a minute. "You know what, Buck, I bet Steve's out there, blaming himself to. I bet he feels as bad as you do. I don't know what's going to happen, but I can promise you its going to be alright. Whether you see Steve again or not, it's all going to be alright. Because yes, the universe has been mean to you, in so many ways other then Steve, but it also likes to balance things out. Because it's being especially mean to you now, its going to be nice to you later. But you can't keep blaming yourself. It's not your fault Bucky, and it's all going to be alright."

Bucky was awestruck by the amount of compassion he had received from his friend, and he felt a lump forming in his throat. He was not going to cry. Not now. So he choked it down, and gave Natasha a hug, clinging onto her like the world was going to end if he let go.

"Thank you," he responded, "Thank you so, so much." Nat patted his back and he pulled away. He felt somewhat reassured, and definately a lot better then earlier. He still had the guilt at the back of his head, but he was able to push that to the side and he and Nat went to join the others, and this time Bucky fell easily into the conversation. He could still feel her looking over at him, concerned every now and then, and he smiled back, letting her know he was fine. Thank god, thought Bucky, the positive part of his brain working for the first time since Steve left him, thank god I have such amazing friends.

A/n: what's uuuupppp!?!!!!!!! Look at this, were on double digits for chapter numbers! How did I actually get this far. This was only ment to take up half a chapter but it took up a whole one. Some how. Hope you enjoyed (well not really, I hope you died on the inside a little, not to be mean) and have fun! Good bye!