I'm Looking Through You // Mclennon

loss

circa 1976

I should be happy, shouldn't I? Such an ungrateful bastard.

I mean, ...I've got it all! ...The success of Wings, a family, an absolutely breathtaking piece of land, even kids...
I don't need anything more, right?
It would be rather selfish of me to feel dissatisfied with my life, really. It's nothing short of perfect. I should have nothing at all to complain about.

So, why the hell do I still feel this same lump in my throat? All I want to do is pull the bloody thing out with my teeth and move on, but it's just so difficult for some reason.

The world is practically bowing at my feet, "Give it up for the man himself, Paul McCartney!", and yet here I am... sulking in bed, thinking about no one else but him. Feeling sorry for myself and all, only because of him.

The man who retired from his craft, secluded himself halfway across the entire globe!
While I'm still here, hoping to meet with him again, one of these days. The man I grew up with.

Just to think if I met with the mysterious Beatle once again! The troubled Beatle. With John. The thought alone excited me.

Who am I kidding, though? Let's be serious, now. How delusional can I be to think that there's still any hope for us? For our relationship? It's been years since we've even spoken, let alone seen eachother.

It's easy to keep living in the past, though. It's much easier than living in the present, sometimes. Things were just so much more simpler back then. Back in the "good ol' days", when all four of us were making music like clockwork! Together!
John really was the best partner I've ever had, musically-speaking. I truly do mean that.

And that's really an understatement. It was magic, what John and I had... What the whole entire band had! When we came together and performed on that stage, we were like no one else out there!
Ah... But with John... It was a bit different... What I had felt for him...

So, why did he go and ruin it, huh? That's all I've ever wondered! I've never been given a proper answer, either. It seemed to have happened so suddenly, almost overnight, but at the same time I guess there were signs... But I mean, what else could this life have to offer him that he didn't already have? What was he missing? Has he found what he was looking for? Why did he leave us? ...Why did he leave me? I thought that I had meant a bit more to him, you know? It still boggles my mind! He took his lucky break and just... Well, he broke it. Opportunities that many men would give up just about anything for; the entire world in the palm of his hand!

I'll never understand anything that he does. Even after all these years, you'd think that I would've learned something!

I really do want to understand him, though. His side of the story. I'm not blatantly trying to misinterpret these things. I just need answers and then I might be able to sleep peacefully at night.

My face was buried into my hands and I could feel my eyes burning with tears. My dismal thoughts were soon interrupted by a soft knock on the bedroom door, causing me to jump a little in surprise.

"Er... Come in."

Linda, my wife, opened the bedroom door with a creak and peered inside to see me wrapped up in the sheets of our bed, staring intently at the ceiling.

"Paul. You haven't moved from this bed all day. You've gotta face the world at some point, you know that, right?" She sighed humorously as she spoke.