I'm Looking Through You // Mclennon

confusion

We were sat there infront of the television, snacks scattered across the living room table that I had mentioned earlier, and most importantly, John was sat next to me.
He was leaning against the armrest of the sofa and his legs were kicked up over my lap.

I only sat there sitting upright like, you know, a normal human being.

It is getting quite late though, the sun outside had set hours ago and the only light left in the room was coming from the tele. John was fading in and out of consciousness and I'd be lying if I said I was 100% awake.

The silence in the room was deafening, it was hard to ignore. My eyes wandered over to John who now had his head dropped while his eyes were glued shut.

A smile spread across my face from ear to ear and I jokingly shoved John's giant legs off of my thighs, causing the man to awaken quite shaken.

"Christ, Macca, thanks for the warnin'!" He shouted at me after recollecting himself.

"Yeah," I giggled, "Yer welcome, Lennon."

After that, I stood up from the sofa and stretched my arms out infront of me. My shirt rode up a bit and the lower portion of my belly was exposed. John simply stared.

The brown-haired man checked his watch sleepily before returning his stare back to me, "Ey, it's gettin' late... We oughta get to bed, ye think?"

I sighed, "Yeah, jus maybe?" I said, looking at my own watch that read 3 a.m.

John casually picked up a throw-blanket and nodded his head at me. I'm assuming this little nod was my cue to follow the lad.

"C'mon, ...Ye can rest yer weary bones in the guest room." John yawned out.

My eyelids became heavier and heavier the longer we walked. Finally, we came to a door at the end of the hallway across from John's and I stepped inside. John flickered on the light and infront of me was a double-sized bed with a red comforter covering it.

I helped myself into the bed while John threw that same blanket he grabbed earlier over my tired body.

"I can help meself into bed, ye know that?" I hissed.

"Shut yer gob, Paul, will ye?" He groaned tiredly, but still wore a smirk upon his face. "Don't be such a drag."

The throw-blanket covered the blankets already piled on top of me slowly. John ran his fingers through his own hair while looking down at me. "If ye need anythin' jus knock on me door, alright? I'm right across the hall, so ...Goodnight."

John walked back to the doorway, flickered the lightswitch off once again and shut the door with a slight creak. He stood outside the room for just a little while before heading into his own sleeping quarters.

The darkness around the room soothed me to sleep and the safety of the warm blankets kept me sound. Nothing felt more comforting than this bed at the moment. I could hear John across the hallway shutting his door and retreating to his own room, even though he tried his best to be quiet. My eyes shut in on themselves and I was out like a light.

That was... until some shuffling and shitty tip-toeing woke me up.

Several hours after I had fallen asleep, the sun outside was beginning to shine bright over the horizon. My squinted eyes could barely make out any of my surroundings, but one thing I knew for certain was that John was hovering over me with not a smirk this time, but a smile.

He had a cup of hot tea in one hand as he used his other to move a tuft of hair out of my face. I quickly shut my eyes as if I was still sound asleep.

But I wasn't, no, I saw and felt the whole thing... What is he thinking?

That wasn't the end of it, though.

John then laughed a bit to himself and stared up at the ceiling, as if he was second-guessing his own sanity at the moment.
Hell, I was, too.
He sat his mug down on the nighstand.

Without any warning at all, without any suggestion, John slowly crawled into bed with me. There was a small attempt at holding himself back, but soon he was growing much closer to me, like he just couldn't help himself. I could tell that he was trying his very best to be quiet and yet it was almost as if he made sure to keep his body as close to mine as he possibly could. He slowly began to wrap his arms around me, his fingers traveling up my waist and up to my shoulders, softly, and he burrowed his face into my neck. The slight facial hair he had tickled a bit and it was difficult to bite back a giggle.

How the hell does this bloke expect me to sleep through all this?!

Any sane person would had shoved their ex of many years ago away immediately, but how could I? John knows I've always been a heavy sleeper, he's only taken bloody advantage of that! At the end of the day, his only goal is to get a rise out of me. Right? Look, I'm just way too beat to protest his actions, and plus he... was my bestmate... he is still my
bestmate,
honestly...

So...

I moved around a bit only to get more comfortable and while doing that, I could feel John's heart beating faster. Most-likely from fear of waking me. I tried to act casual-like about it because maybe there's a reasonable explanation behind all this. I can't jump to conclusions, now, and I don't want to give him the wrong idea if I'd make the wrong move.

Ofcourse, I've still got that little voice in my
head nearly shrieking at me to get out of this bed by this point. Every bone in my body was telling me how wrong it is that I'm still sat here, sleeping in a bed with this guy that I used to be heavily involved with, while I am promised to somebody else, now. However, something drew me in, you know? I've never been able to describe it. And, believe me, I've tried. Many things in life are this way, I've learned.

Just... Instead of pushing the man off of my shoulders, I pulled him in, tighter. You probably think I've gone mad for doing that, but what exactly would you do in this situation?

My mind was racing so quickly it was impossible to keep track of all my thoughts at once, but feeling John's breath on my neck gave me a familiar feeling. A feeling I've... missed? Feeling his wanton hands gripping tightly at my shirt eased me, in a way... My nervous, heavy breathing quickly eased, as did his, as his head fell onto my chest. Looking down at him, the only thing I know for certain is that... he really needed this. And I guess that maybe I did, too.

Confusion and temptation clouded my sense of right and wrong, I suppose. All that I want to do in this moment is... rest. And I guess I have no choice but to sleep next to Lennon.
What a bummer, that.