They rode the rest of the way to school in silence. Zoe hadn't even come to a complete stop before Connor was out the door. He walked to his locker swiftly and with purpose. There were two other kids nearby, one of them talking about his fantastic summer camp experience and the other nervously fidgeting with a cast wrapped around his arm. The first kid noticed him staring. Connor started to rifle through his bag, trying to look as uninterested as possible.
"Hey, Connor," he sneered. "Loving the new hair length. It's very school-shooter chic."
Connor looked at the boy silently. He was trying so hard not to snap. He needed this to be a good day.
"I was just... kidding. It was a joke," the boy said pointedly. His friend was looking at the floor, obviously not enjoying the display.
"Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing, can't you tell?" Connor deadpanned, becoming angrier every second. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?" He adopted an aggressive stance, stalking towards the boy.
"You're such a... freak," the boy said before running off. Good riddance. Connor turned to the other boy, daring him with a glare to say something more to Connor. The boy made a sound that was in between a laugh and a cough. Connor couldn't take this anymore. He was sick and tired of being laughed at like some circus freak.
"What the fuck are you laughing at?" Connor said offhandedly, tucking his hair behind his ear.
"What?" the boy said, but Connor wasn't listening. All he heard were the years upon years of being laughed at. Laughed at for not being good enough or normal enough.
"Stop fucking laughing at me!"
"I'm not-"
"You think I'm a freak?" Connor stepped toward him.
"No, I don't-"
"I'm not the freak!"
"But I didn't-"
"You're the fucking freak." With that, Connor shoved the boy into a row of lockers and stormed off to the rooftop. He needed space.
He threw the satchel off his shoulder and sat on the ground next to it. He dug the joint out of a pocket in his bag and twirled it around his fingers. He knew he wouldn't get high at school, but it was reassuring to know that he had an escape after the day was over.
Connor couldn't wait to get out of this stupid school. He had one more year before he was all on his own. A year. 365 days. 525,600 minutes. It seemed so far away. Sometimes, Connor though it might just be easier to end it here and now. Nobody cared about him and his grades made it obvious that his future wasn't going anywhere. He would probably end up working the counter at McDonald's for the rest of his life.
His sister would frown at him every time they saw each other at Christmas. She would probably do something great. She could become a musician or an astronomer or a million other things. She had so much to live for. What did Connor have to live for? He thought about the two boys he had seen today. They were losers like Connor, but they still had each other. They had someone to talk to.
Connor felt kind of bad about shoving that kid. What if he'd broken his arm further because of what Connor did? What would Connor's mom want him to do? She'd tell him to go apologize to that kid. He slowly got to his feet. He figured he would do one nice thing in his life.
He walked down the hallway, peering into classrooms to try and catch a glimpse of the boy in a blue polo with a blank cast.
He finally saw the boy alone in the computer lab. He walked in the door. He heard the printer churn out a page of text and assumed it was the boy's. He looked at the top. Dear Evan Hansen, he read. Evan Hansen. Connor was pretty sure he heard of an Evan Hansen, at least from roll call in one of his classes. He assumed the computer lab boy's name was Evan. Connor glanced down at the bottom of the page. It was signed Sincerely, Me. Evan was writing letters to himself? That was a little weird, but Connor let it go and tucked to paper under his arm.
Evan looked a little distracted. Connor walked up to him.
"So..." he started. Evan jumped in shock. He looked around as if he didn't know who Connor was talking to, as if he wasn't the only other person in the room. "What happened to your arm?" he asked.
"I fell out of a tree, actually," Evan responded. Connor was honestly a little surprised that Evan even said anything.
"You fell out of a tree?" Connor said dryly. Evan nodded. There was a wall of silence between them. "Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Oh my God," Connor gave a short laugh.
"I know, right?" Evan laughed too. It had been such a long time since anyone laughed with Connor rather than at him. The laughter was short lived and silence built up between the two again. Connor searched for something to say.
"No one's signed your cast," he said, gesturing at the blank white plaster cast wrapped around his arm.
"No, I know," Evan said meekly, staring at the ground. It's now or never Connor thought. Maybe if Evan and I can be friends, maybe then I won't always feel the way I do.
"I'll sign it," Connor said, trying to be as nice as possible. Evan looked startled.
"You don't have to," he said as if it would disgust Connor to have his name on Evan's cast. Connor opened his arms to Evan, he was trying so hard to be nice. He hoped he wasn't scaring Evan.
"Do you have a sharpie?" Connor said with genuine kindness. This kid was like him, outcast and alone. Evan stood still for a moment. Connor gave up. He didn't know how else to talk to this kid. Just as he was about to turn and walk away, Evan pulled a marker out of his pocket and offered it to Connor.
Connor took the marker and awkwardly grabbed Evan's arm.
"Ow," Evan said. Connor looked back at him, making sure he was okay. Connor didn't know what to write. He wanted this kid to not be like him. He wanted Evan to feel like he mattered.
Connor dragged the sharpie across Evan's cast, writing his name in huge capital letters. Now no one could look at Evan and think that he was alone. At least there was someone who cared about him, right?
"Oh. Great. Thanks," Evan said, looking at the giant name on his arm. Connor fiddled with a ring on his finger.
"Yeah. Now we can both pretend that we have friends, so..." he said. Evan smiled at him, then started walking out the door.
"Good point," Evan muttered. Connor pulled the paper out.
"Look, is this yours? I found it on the printer. It's, um, 'Dear Evan Hansen,' that's your name, isn't it," Connor offered the paper to him.
"No, no, no, no, no. That's, um. That's just, it's stupid, it's this paper that I have to write. It's just this assignment so..." Connor looked at the paper again. He saw his sister's name on it.
"Because there's Zoe," Connor read. "Is this about my sister?" he asked. His breathing rate increased as a blind rage washed over him. Evan didn't want to be friends with Connor. He just wanted to make fun of Connor. Evan wasn't any different from the rest. He wanted the whole school to laugh at Connor. Look at Connor Murphy now, the freak's freaking out about some kid writing a weird sex letter about his sister.
"No, no, no, no," Evan said, but Connor wasn't listening. Connor snapped the paper out of Evan's reach.
"You wrote this because you knew that I would find it." Connor's vision was tinged with red. He chuckled, laughing at how cruel the world was to convince him that one person that he thought was like him was just as horrible as everyone else.
"You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed this out so that I would find it," Connor said with resigned bitterness.
"Why... why would I do--" Evan started.
"So that I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right. And you can tell everyone that I'm crazy, right?" Connor shouldn't have come here. He shouldn't have even tried to apologize. No good deed goes unpunished.
"No! I don't even know-"
"Fuck you!" Connor ran out of the computer lab with the letter in hand, Evan's cries to give the letter back hardly registering within Connor's ringing ears.
