Connor took a drag from the joint he had just lit up, pulling himself out of his memories as he blew out the smoke. He didn't have much time before it got dark. He had spent the entire evening by the river, just remembering his past.
He laughed. Connor didn't even know how he survived the previous two years. He guessed it was just like his feet in the water. Eventually, the pain fades to numbness. Connor wanted to submerge his soul back into the freezing river of his life, but he could feel himself rising to the surface. The numbness he had felt for years was finally stabbed out with the pain that had built itself up for so long.
He lurched up from off of the boulder he was lounging on. The daylight was fading fast and Connor knew he should probably get inside. He didn't really want to go back home to his messed up family, but seeing as he didn't have friends who would take him in, he didn't really have any other options.
Quickly, Connor walked back to the house. It was starting to become a little chilly as the last golden sliver of sunlight slipped over the horizon. Connor looked up, trying to see the stars that lit up the night sky. He caught a glimpse of a star. He remembered from when his sister was into astronomy in 8th grade that the first star is actually a planet. He couldn't remember which one though. Jupiter? Venus? No, Venus was the last star, wasn't it? He didn't pay much attention to his sister's passionate speeches about stars at dinner. He shoved his hands in his pockets and kept walking.
He pushed his key into the lock on the doorknob, hoping that no one was still up. His hopes were for not. There, sitting on the red loveseat in the living room were his parents. Connor almost laughed. Two people pretending they were in love were sitting on a loveseat.
"Where have you been?" Larry said flatly.
"Why should it matter?" Connor responded, not meeting his father's eyes. Instead, he looked at a vintage lamp his mother had bought on a whim. Was this his destiny? To live in a place where people buy expensive things without a thought to anyone but themselves?
Connor's life was pointless if he was to turn out like his parents. He would either work himself to death and become bitter and distant or go crazy from being rich and having no job. Either way, Connor never wanted to be like his parents.
"It matters because you are our son. You skipped school today. You told me you wouldn't," Cynthia said with what sounded like hurt in her voice. Connor knew he disappointed his parents. He just couldn't be the perfect son. He left Zoe with the duty of star child. She could always do so much more than he ever did. Connor ignored his mother and walked upstairs to his room.
"Don't walk away from me, young man!" Larry shouted. Connor just kept stomping up the stairs. He stopped in front of Zoe's door.
"I hope you're happy! I hope you've got everything you've ever wanted!" Connor shouted as he started pounding on her door. furious tears started to fall down his face.
"I wish you would just die!" he heard Zoe yell through the door. Connor held his fists still against her door. Hot tears found their way down from his eyes and dripped off of his chin.
"Maybe I will," he said flatly. His shoulders slumped as he stalked off back to his own room. He slammed the dark wood door behind him. He threw his bag on his bed, then threw his tired body on the bed. He curled up in a fetal position on top of the covers.
His own sister wanted him dead. There was once a time when they talked sweetly to each other instead of this angry, bitter war they fought day after day. He remembered one family picnic to the apple orchard when he and his sister shared a toy plane. Then Larry crashed it...
He smiled fondly at the memory. He longed for that time again. He wished he hadn't made all the mistakes he did. He'd made such a mess of his family. Connor's parents fought constantly because of him. Zoe couldn't see the world in a beautiful light because there was so much hate in her home. He didn't even know if Zoe had friends anymore or if he'd ruined that as well.
I wish you would just die.
Zoe's words echoed in the empty chambers of Connor's mind. Maybe death would be better for everyone, including himself. He squeezed his eyes tight, telling himself to just go to sleep. He deepened his breathing, trying to drift off to sleep.
Connor hating falling asleep because had terrible nightmares. He didn't know if they were a result of his depression or from smoking pot or just that his brain was so messed up that it couldn't even conjure up positive dreams.
He couldn't ever remember what the dreams were about, but he always woke up in a cold sweat with hot tears falling down his face. He always felt tired when he woke up because of the fatigue he endured in his dreams.
He would usually end up tangled in his sheets or almost falling off the bed. He liked to have a glass of water by his bedside so that he could wet his swollen tongue and parched throat. Most of the time, Connor didn't even remember drinking the water, but it was gone by morning.
When he was little, Cynthia put glowing stars all over his room for when he couldn't fall asleep. She told him to count them when he couldn't sleep. When those stars were in his room, Connor had fewer nightmares because he knew his starry companions were always going to be there, overpowering the monsters of his bedroom.
He wished those stars could light up the dark monsters in his chest. Maybe then he could speak to his family. Instead, he was left frozen in the dark without a single star in sight. Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel, but it was a long way off.
When he was twelve, Connor tore all the stars down in a fit of fury. He was upset with his mother for telling him to ignore his bullies, so he tore down all the stars that she so meticulously set up.
Connor regretted that day. He didn't really want the glowing stars in his room, but he wished he acted more maturely and communicated with his mother. He never wanted to hurt his mother. She just didn't understand him the way he wanted her to. If he just talked to her, maybe he wouldn't be in this mess. Maybe if he told her what was wrong rather than sitting in grim silence, maybe then...
Maybe nothing would be different. I wish everything were different.
Connor remembered the letter. He touched a piece of it that was protruding out of his pocket. He hoped Evan wasn't freaking out too badly about Connor stealing his letter. Connor realized he had no intentions of returning the letter. It resonated so deeply within Connor that he couldn't bear to let it go.
Would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?
As he finally drifted off to sleep, he made the decision. Tomorrow would be Connor Murphy's last day on Earth.
