Dream On Fire

(25) How would you call me...?

(Picture translation:
One of the most difficult things about life is to decide if you should back away or try a little longer...

Lover of letters)

Maybe some people can relate when I say that I was watching the series of 'Good Morning Call'. It is a Japanese series talking about a girl falling in love with a guy she ended up living with because of a scam when buying her new apartment.

In the series, the girl starts liking the guy but isn't sure if the guy still likes his past crush. After time the guy says that he does like her but she never told him the same (she was too shy). She ended up waiting until Valentine's Day. A day before valentines she was doing a chocolate cake for him in the house of a friend. Then, she started to feel a little down because she had suspicions of him still liking the other girl but she brushed it away.

The day of valentines she was supposed to meet with him and waited for him in the rain until he came. The thing is... he never did.

To make it short: the guy said that he couldn't go because the other girl was in trouble (FYI the girl he liked was the wife of his brother so he still worries about her) and eventually took her home because she was sick.
The main character (the girl) felt said and just cut him of by saying that he still preferred the other girl over her and hang/hung..? Of the call.

In a weird way I can (sort of) relate to this series because... even though at the end the girl and the guy DO end up together... I can still relate to the feeling of wanting something to happen and... as selfish as it sounds you still feel that jealousy... that sadness and that hurt but you can't help it... it's no ones fault... it just happened that way and it's so difficult to explain but it's... it's just what it is...

Today I was re-watching this series and never felt what I felt today... I understood how some people felt in a way I only knew in words but not experience...
I started thinking of how in the time I've liked the same guy we've turned into closer persons... she talk a little bit more, we joke around a little more, we can smile around each other in a sincere and not awkward way... or maybe just a little less awkward...

I've comed to be able to talk to him and tell him things just like what I'd say to a best friend... I can smile around him and feel comfortable... I can laugh and not feel watched by everyone to see if something is happening... something more...

I guess, in a selfish way, I do hope for it to become more.

I do get sad when I know he might like someone...
I kind of feel sad right now because I do believe he likes someone from his generation... I can't help it... I just feel it...

I think the only thing that separates my feelings from being selfish and non-selfish is the fact that... I don't show them... I hide them and smile...

I guess you can call me strong... strong for feeling everything and still being there to make his day better... to seem as if it was nothing... when it might be everything my mind can possibly think of...

Dear F.S.,

Am I strong...? Am I weak...? Am I just a coward...?
How would you call me...?

Sincerely,
The girl who has waited 3 years for no response in particular... just your smiles every day...