Dream On Fire

(30) Just dont metion it... it feels like this...

Maybe you weren't worrying at all but I still want to say, don't worry...

I learned to love how I look... how I am... I slowly love myself more and more...
now I don't look in the mirror with disgust... I don't feel so uncomfortable now... I feel more than amazing with myself. Sure, I still have some things I gotta work with but... I don't feel bad about them... or not as much...

I don't cry over not looking the same as other girls...
Not anymore...

While thinking ow what to write today I was listening to Billie Eilish. To be a hundred percent honest with you I LOVE HERRRR. She's such a mood! I love how she shows and expresses her self love with being so unique and just... herself. Just a minute ago I was listening to 'come out and play' I think it is one of my favorite songs at the moment but, to be honest, I usually have like... at least... a thousand favorite sounds so...

Oh well...

I honestly don't know why but every time I tell myself to stop getting so hopeful.
First reason being that I don't want to be seen as desperate.
Second reason being that I want you to feel like you can rely on telling me anything without feeling you are hurting me or... to feel uncomfortable...
Third reason being... I want to protect my own heart... I've told you many times how I'll let you break my heart and it'll be ok but... neither the less I'm still scared... I'm still scared it'll hurt too much... I'm still scared that I won't be able to move on... from you...

And even though I have these three purposes to keep to myself I still fail and fall again... I can't help it... I just... fail every time..

You know what I was thinking? Of what it'll be like when being together.

Do you remember your sister's friend? The one I've asked you once if you had her number? Well... she once asked who I liked. I trust her with all my life, she's super sweet and nice to be around. So I told her...
At first she was amazed, then she said... we would look cute together...

I honestly didn't know what to reply with... my "love life" it's not something I'm good at talking about... either I get too shy or nervous...

After that day I was never able to get those words out of my brain... I don't want to get happy over something that I don't expect to happen but in a way those words make my day... this sort of "hope" builds up in my chest and... no matter what I already know as possible and  not possible I still...
I still believe those words to be (in some sort of way) true...

Don't get me wrong... don't feel pressured on me wanting something from you... I guess it just sounded too selfish but I'm just explaining how my brain worked... I don't mean to have anything from whatever my brain implies...

Besides... as far as I'm concerned... I think I had already clarified that people that fall in love can be a little selfish and maybe... narcissist? I'm not quite sure? But I will not take any word that I've said back...

Cause in a weird way... using all the things I mentioned... I'd say... I wouldn't take back any word, phrase or sentence...

As perfect as love can be, I think love is a mix of perfectly imperfect, and fixed with some hurt within it...
it collides perfectly with opposites and makes it kind of Euphoric? Is that the word?

I hope you can understand how crazy my brain can work... it's like a maze... jaja... I guess my brain just likes to think of so much too often...