Advice, Rants, and Random Shiz

Toxicity

Happy New Year's, everyone! I hope all is going well for you guys, even though there's not many of you, lol.

I think I'm writing this more for myself, but I want to reflect on myself over the past year and talk about how my first day into the new year went.

It's been truly good for me, from getting with the love of my life to working and even just being more outgoing and responsible in general, I've really gained confidence.

Yet, on the first day of this year, I'm already feeling severe anxiety and disappointment...wtf, life.

So my boyfriend's mother is this crazy mf. She's got bipolar disorder. While I don't shame her or anyone for mental illness, I lose respect for those who know they have an issue and, instead of getting treatment, they take it out on others.

Now, mind you, her son is the sweetest guy I have ever met, and I'm luckier than God himself to be with him. This boy is a great influence and has never wronged me. We've been dating over a year.

I'm nowhere near perfect. Although I try extremely hard to do good in everything, I'm not fantastic. I'm an average teenage girl just trying to make sense of life. I don't blame his mother for hating me.

But I do blame her reasoning and execution. This woman has never tried to meet me...in over a whole year! She has three sons in total, and the one I date is the only one of hers that has ever been in a serious relationship.

My bf's family is black/mixed and Muslim. I have no issue with it, and I love him for everything he is. Yet she doesn't believe in the same open-mindedness.

She is only 25% black, yet has the audacity to constantly bring the white race down, calling us trashy, stuck-up, and that we act as if she has to 'entertain us'.

Before anyone thinks I'm having a pity party, I strongly believe racism of all kinds is bad, not just what is convenient for me. If I could choose one evil to abolish, racism (or any inequality, really) would be in the top three for sure.

One night he and I were on the phone. She came into his room and started speaking...the mic wasn't shut off. This woman told my bf that if he kept up with what he was doing, he would end up "Living in the projects (ghetto) with his white trash, good-for-nothing girlfriend. That we wouldn't amount to anything."

Needless to say, I vented to him, spewing words of kindness to him and hatred about her. I cried for an hour after.

I have suppressed my anxiety and negative emotions for a while, and honestly, things have been much better mentally for me. 

Yet, this one woman gives me such severe anxiety that I get physically sick. it crawls up my throat and at my heart. It makes my mouth dry, vision fuzzy, and body buzzing with fear, yet inability to physically do a thing. I feel trapped in a body and being that she makes me hate. I feel awful.

Tonight I am feeling that as well. My bf and I were supposed to go to a party with his co-workers. I always visit him on his break on the weekends before I go into my job. His coworkers have gotten to know me and we're all kinda friends. They wanted me to come with him.

I've been excited for over two months, truly happy to be able to go out to an actual party with him, one where people will appreciate the longevity and strength of our relationsip and one where I would fit in...but now his mother is coming at him yet again, saying she isn't sure if he should go. Picking at him for being a 'delinquent', that she 'can't trust him'.

Note: my bf has never done drugs or drank. He has never, ever been with the wrong crowd. 

The anxiety is killing me yet again as I sit here and wait for his response, most likely one disappointing me and leaving me sad and numb and alone in my bed.

This kid is 18, going to graduate this year. He works and drives and the only thing she has over him is him living with them.

I'm sick of this woman. She's pathetic and fake and I want to throat punch her.

I only hate three people in this world: my dad, Trump, and her.

I totally strayed off topic here but I needed to get this out. After sitting and crying/fuming for a bit, I've realized something yet again, something that I need to remind myself often.

Family is toxic. Just because they are forced in our lives doesn't mean they are worth our time.

I'm in the top 10 of my class of over 450 kids, first chair flute, soon to be a manager at my job, and have an awesome social life, and, even better, an awesome boyfriend.

She has bitterness and a disease she can't own. And for that, I'm sorry for her.

I also have you guys who are honestly awesome and I'm so so sO THANKFUL FOR!

If anyone ever wants to rant, pls message me. It's so helpful to write out your feelings. I already feel better tbh, and this website is such a safe haven oML. I'm so gonna put rants in here.

UPDATE (I paused then came back after a few hours): Oh, and he said he can't go.

RiPpErOni

But I went out with a close friend of mine and we ended up getting Olive Garden and tipping the waiter $10 on a $20 bill, drove through/admired rich people houses, and saw Christmas lights.

Needless to say, I forced myself to go out and have fun and my night has gotten better. 

My heart still aches for my homeboy. I think I'm going to talk to his mom and prove her wrong on literally everything.

Wish me luck, she might kill me :')

But yeah, thanks for reading if you;ve gotten this far, and I'm so sorry this is random ramble.

Again, PLS FEEL FREE TO RANT TO ME WHENEVER. ILYSM!