Advice, Rants, and Random Shiz

Heavy

i'm heavy and i feel like i'm drowning

my life was going great on the surface, from getting into college to reaching over two years with my boyfriend, i was thriving. everyday getting congratulations on my achievements...a top student, a good friend, a star of the school.

until i met my father for the first time in a decade

i've always held the secrets of the past. my heart has always been screaming to be heard, begging for its feelings to just be validated. i've always told it to shut up and keep smiling, be happy, don't let them know any negative feelings.

nobody wants to be friends with the depressed girl, nobody wants sympathy.

with me turning 18, legal issues of the past were arising between my long-time divorced parents. i decided to take it upon myself to see the man that created all of the bad in my life so my mom didn't have to...or maybe i just wanted to see that face...but why would i?

it was the face that used to be red and angry as he hit me, lips slurring out lies as he brainwashed me for all of those years against my family...the face that was empty as he took advantage of me, and threatened me to tell no one.

when i saw him, i regretted it.

i knew all of those years, the secrets i kept weren't lies like i hoped they were...they were the burning truth about to erupt. but i kept my cool and talked to him as if he were normal, and i brushed it off to anyone who somehow found out and asked.

"it's fine, a lot of people don't get along with their parents...his loss, i guess," i would say with a shrug immediatly following a half smile.

my routine lasted for about a month. i was okay as always, and the world was dumb enough to believe me. i was lying left and right, always hanging out with friends and posting positivity and being immersed in school despite the fact that i was crumbling inside. 

on my 18th birthday i told my social worker godparents that i met with him, even playing the recording {i secretly took} and again, brushing it off. we ate cake and laughed and joked about a {broken because my family has always been tearing at the seams} family vegas trip when i turned 21.

but now is different and i messed up and i told what should have never been said.

a few weeks later i was at my {dad's side of the} family's house for a small birthday party for me and as usual, he was never there. all was well, despite the anxiety pounding me as i laid eyes upon the family of his that was nothing like him yet i was still so paranoid about and i wanted to scream and run and escape them because they're just  too good to be true-

and i played with my little cousins downstairs, my eyes shining with tears both happy that they were so innocent but jealous because i never was

how sad it it? to never feel like a fucking child? to always be an old soul in a growing body that you just want to rip apart?

so then they were getting tired and i figured mom wanted to leave soon so i went upstairs and saw her and my cousin in a deep discussion, faces solemn yet eyes somehow wild. i asked them what and they told me to sit down and the girls to go. everyone else besides those two had left already. they asked about the visit with my dad and the conversation carried 

and i started with my routine of not caring but i looked into my cousins eyes as she spoke one sentence that made me burst. "your dad's father had once beat his mom and they saw it-"

the dam burst, damn i hate myself and i said, "does that mean he could have been violent?"

and they looked at me because that was the first i ever said.

and i said "one day i found a bag of cocaine in hit closet and he  h i t  m e"

"i spilled something on his carpet and-"

"i was sick and he-"

"i was just annoying and-"

"did he do anything else?"

"he m o l e s t e d  me-"

my world came crashing down and i couldn't stop screaming and crying and now nothing is the same.

now my cousin, 40 years later, got triggered to have those memories

i wasn't the only one

i never thought i would

or even could

tell.

my therapy {when i scheduled it on the phone i had a meltdown with the receptionist fUcK} starts in two weeks. my social worker godparents are making me meet with them in two days. i haven't left my house in three days without being forced. i can't look my mom in the eye when i talk to her.

i am broken.

i am undone.

i never wanted this.

and now i don't want to be here, i say whenever i need to go somewhere. but i don't know if i mean school or work or life.

and i haven't told anyone i'm suicidal now, that i'm so depressed that it takes me 20 minutes to make myself merely move. yet i've always felt off, i've been so so good at hiding the feelings and secrets, but now it's all crashing down.

i have been told i may need meds, there may be an investigation because apparently this fucking pedophile might have been into child pornography

he ruined me.

i don't know why i wrote this, but i almost cried again and i decided that instead of shutting the lights off and crying, i would just sit and type this and forget for a bit. nobody on here knows me, and part of me wants the validation of attention but another never wants this to get out because i feel disgusted and embarrassed and just the equivalence of literal shit and i don't want to be judged but what did i expect-

this is awful writing, just like i am awful, and for that i'm sorry.

i hope you all are well although i know nobody will read this, i'm dead on here anyway.

i'll figure it out. just give me time.