Welcome To Trench

Chapter Twenty Two | Understand

Guilt weighed down the heels of your heavy boots as you followed Tyler back to the tables where the rest of the group was gathered. Your steps were slow and full of shame.

Friendly bickering arose from between Ben and Sal, while Jason rolled his eyes and watched the argument with amusement. Tyler joined them and you were about to do the same.

Until you noticed, tucked away at the very end of the cafeteria table and sat up against the wall was Josh. He picked away bits of skin at his nails and gnawed on the inside of his cheek. He stared into nowhere. Right away, the sight brought a worried frown to your lips. 

"Josh," you muttered out of concern as soon as you sat down across from him. He didn't notice you right away, but when his brain finally registered your hushed voice, the man flashed a semi-forced grin. It only lasted for a moment, though.

"Oh." his voice started as a slight whisper, "Hi Y/N. I was just.. I was distracted, sorry."

You smiled sweetly. "No worries, Josh. You're okay." But was he really? There was only one way to find out. "Hey uh, how are you? Is everything okay?" You felt hesitant as you bit into your bottom lip.

Tense brown eyes locked onto yours and a second or two passed before you earned a response. "Why- I'm.. Yeah, i'm okay. I'm fine." He glanced away and that gesture alone confirmed your suspicions.

You held back a sigh for your friend and just stared at him sincerely. "What's wrong? You can talk to me if you want to, Josh. I'm all ears." Silently you begged for those desperate brown eyes to stare back into your own E/C pair again. You seeked trust in his gaze.

And trust is what you received.

His head turned towards you again, but instead he looked down at his hands that were clasped together over the table top. He went from biting the interior of his right cheek to chewing off the top layer of his bottom lip. "I've been thinking about Debby ever since we left Trench."

That first sentence was enough to make you feel a burning sickness in your throat. Debby was never someone you trusted from the moment the two of you met. She clearly had a strange distaste for you- the reasons left unknown. Maybe you didn't want to know.

Josh continued, "I hate myself. Er, i'm mad myself is more like it I guess. I hate that I miss her. I hate that i'm still in love with Debby." Saying it out loud was as hard for him as it was for you to hear it. "I-I know it's wrong, really, it's just.." Josh was having an even harder time with his words. Talking was a struggle for the guy, you could see it now. "She.. It was nice having someone who understood me. You know? I mean- I have Tyler, a-and believe me when I say i'm incredibly grateful for him. But, I just, it was different with Debby." Josh lifted his chin ever so slightly. He blinked up at you. "Debby was different. I-I trusted her."

When he was finished with rambling, you wet your dry lips before speaking up, voice still soft. "It must be hard. To let go of someone like that."

"It happened so fast." He whispered, mostly to himself. "All at once." Josh felt overwhelmed, even if its been days since the sudden break up. You could hardly imagine the pain and frustration he was feeling.

"She betrayed me, Y/N." Josh's voice made it sound like he was still appalled by the statement. As if he couldn't believe such a thing, as if it were all just a dream or something made up. It was all too real, however. "She betrayed us. My people. I.. I let everyone down." The self-hatred and disbelief in the man's tone was layered with a heap of disappointment. "I'm a failure."

Your throat was on fire now. You couldn't let some silly break-up drag Josh's emotions down- let alone his own self esteem. "Josh-" You removed your hands from beneath the table and placed them over top Josh's. He didn't flinch or show any signs of discomfort. "Don't. Don't say such foul things about yourself, because none of that is true." Gentle thumbs caressed pale knuckles. E/C eyes stared deeply into the other's damaged expression. So much thought. So much hurt. So much need for sympathy. "How were any of us supposed to know Debby would turn on everyone like that? I am sure we were all just as shocked as you."