I Don't Really Know...

Chapter 14: Letting It Out

“I think we may have missed a student during presentations for the, “About Me,” project."  Miss Faye’s eyes slanted a bit, unnoticed by most of the students.  She glanced at me as I slunk into my plastic, creaky chair.  It made a loud squeak, making half of the class look in my direction.  At least they didn’t actually realize it was me.  I quickly pretended to look at my hair, scrutinizing it carefully, and they turned back forward without a second thought.  I peaked through the auburn strands and saw the teacher still glancing at me from time to time.  She begins to speak.

“Unfortunately, we don’t have time to continue with this project, seeming that we are starting to begin our more major units.”  

The announcements came on, with the Principal’s scratchy voice.  

“The day has ended.  Go home.  Have a nice night.”  

Everyone bolted to the doorway, leaving dirty footprints and old gum stuck on the bottom of the desks.  I was the last to leave, walking slowly and avoiding the trampled gum on the ground.  

With everything that’s happening, I kind of feel like that gum.  Mercilessly stuck to the floor and desks, not being able to move, unnoticed by everyone.  Only noticed when wanting to be avoided.  Yeah, exactly.  

I hear someone clear their throat and say, “You’re welcome.”  I turn around and see Miss. Faye standing there, arms crossed and no identifiable expression on her face.  I gulp nervously.  

“Thank you.  Do you still want me to hand it in?  I have it here.” I dig into my binder and pull out a sheet of loose-leaf paper, crumpling at the corners.  I smile sheepishly.  

She holds out her hand, manicured nails and all, waiting.  I place it in her hands and she puts it on her desk.  She stares intensely at me

“I don’t know what you did.  I’m not going to ask.”  I sigh, relieved, and my shoulders lower about a foot.  

“I’m not going to ask because I already know what happened.”  She hasn’t even blinked yet.  My shoulders go back, rising to the ceiling.

Maybe it would be convenient to be the mint-flavored gum stuck to the tiled floor right now.  I grimace.  Miss. Faye is still talking, but it’s all mumbled to me.  

“...Have you heard anything I said?”  She’s trying not to laugh now.  I obviously heard nothing she had said.  

“Um...probably something uplifting and inspirational because you’re such a great teacher?” My fake, plastered-on smile gives away everything.  She lifts an eyebrow.  

“Nice compliment, didn’t work.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”  She goes to her desk and gracefully sits down, her kitten heels hitting the floor.  I look at her strangely.

“Aren’t you going to tell me what you said?”

She smiled.  “Of course not.  You’ll figure it out on your own, I’m sure of it.  Now hurry along, I don’t want you to be late for the bus.”

I trudge toward the door, dodging the gum (I guess that could be considered as myself), and I don’t look back.  I run toward my locker, gather my things, and dash onto the bus.  It’s hard to find an empty seat on the bus, considering that nobody would ever even think about going near my supposedly foul presence.  I go to the far end of the bus, and two boys look up at me.  They’re sitting at opposite seats, across from each other.  We stare.  

The boy with a military hair cut and, possibly, no existing eyebrows, moves over to sit next to his friend.  The blood rushes to my face as I quickly sit down, facing the window so they’re not able to see my face.  They whisper, and through my hair, I see them staring at me.  I can tell they’re freshman.  They must have heard rumors.  

As we pass by completely rural areas to more suburban neighborhoods, I think about how insignificant I am to the world.  Just a little pool of sticky, dirt covered gum that everyone sees as a nuisance.

It’s what janitors scrape off for their job to make the school prettier and cleaner.

It’s what makes teaching harder for staff, seeing people stick it to the bottom of their chairs and desks.  

It’s what gets stuck in people’s hair.  It’s what gets squished at the bottom of everyone’s shoes.  

People cut their hair to get rid of it.  People throw out those shoes.  

“Hey, you!”  One of the boys says to me, pointing.  I give them a side glance.  His nails are bitten to the nub, and it disgusts me.  

“Is it true you went to jail for a week?”  The military cut, eyebrow-less boy says.    

“Is it true that you almost killed a student?”  The other says, his greyish-blue eyes sparkling.  

I don’t respond.  I just look back at the window.  A bug is smashed on the window, and disturbs the pretty image of the outside.  

Alicia looks at them from the seat in front of me.  I hadn’t even noticed her.  She glares at me.

“Of course it’s true.  What do you think, people spread around meaningless rumors for nothing?”  

I don’t make eye contact with any of the three people.  My stop is here.  I get up and harshly speed through the rows of seats and burst into the front doorway of my house.  I throw my backpack near the dining room table and throw on a pair of track shorts and my worn old sneakers.  

I walk to the trail that’s behind our house.  I remember once, when I was much younger, seeing a couple riding on horses coming out.  They were lost.  They had asked me for help, but all I could was stare at the first horse’s beautiful black mane and dark eyes.  

I begin to run.  I run up the hill, my muscles burning.  I swing my arms from side to side, huffing as I pass green-leafed trees turning a brassy orange.  I keep reaching for the top of the hill, and I burst out of the coverage and into a small open space that looked over a huge, undisturbed land.  

I look around.  I make sure I’m alone.  I stand up tall, gathering my hands into fists, and take in a mammoth breath.  The gum, the bug, Alicia...the day just racing through my head, wrapping and squeezing my conscience...

And I scream.