Chapter 32: My Fault.

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“Dinner’s ready!” Again, Ms. Lasdon says to me, as I impatiently wait for Mila’s returning email.  Anyways, the hope for her email was to no avail, as I shut my laptop and ran downstairs.  I enter the dining room, as Jaison and Ms. Lasdon are already sitting down, picking at their food.

 

Another fourth plate of food sits.  Every time it meets my gaze, I see the letter stuffed behind the bookshelf, to never meet a certain lady’s eyes.  My stomach drops each time I picture it, guilt written across my forehead.  

 

I can see the guilt everywhere.  I look at my palms that are resting in my lap, writhing with regret.  The wall, Ms. Lasdon glancing over at me, pursing her lips.  Everything.  

 

“Um...excuse me.” I cover my mouth and rush up from my chair, when I leave the room.  I feel like I should be bursting into tears, knowing that I’m hiding the identity of my guardian’s husband and taking away her knowledge of her own love.  I shut the door to my room and flop onto my bed,  covering my face with a pillow, smushing the tears away.  The cotton soaks up the dripping water from my eyes, making the pillow wet and cold to the touch.  

 

I thought I did the right thing.  Then again, in other words, I’m depriving her of important information that could change her life.  She knows neither Jaison and I ever enjoyed Henry’s company.  Again, another point, we only had his company for about week when he grew too tired of us.  What was wrong with us?  Lost parents, lost guardian, and now, a guardian that hates me with her guts.  

 

Is it everyone around me?  Or is it me?

 

I must have fallen asleep soon after, because I blink and hear raised voices outside of my bedroom door.  Still very groggy and disoriented, I instinctively plug my ears with my fingers and try to block it out.  Snippets of the conversation enter, even though I try to silence my mind.

 

“....believe that Zoie did that!  Who does she think she is?!”

 

“....didn’t want you finding out… get restless….”

 

“....find out sooner or later!...”

 

A growing tree of remorse starts to sprout in my abdomen.  I slowly sit up on my bed, more tears coming and no time to wipe them onto my pillow.  I creep towards the door and now I can hear their full conversation.  Jaison is practically pleading with her, even hearing his gulps of nervousness.

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just….she didn’t know what to do with the letter.  Neither of us did!”  I hear Ms. Lasdon scoff loudly.

 

“Please.  Don’t even try.  I know it’s because Zoie hates him.  She doesn’t care if anybody finds him.  In fact, she would enjoy it if no one did!  That’s how much she cares.”

 

That’s anything but true!  I shriek, though I wish I had the audacity to say it out loud.  As much as I deny it….I couldn’t say I loved him or had a connection with him.  

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