Friends?

30

I woke up in the hospital, wish I hadn't woke up but I did. None of this is just a bad dream, none of this is a hallucination. I wish this was one of these stories of someone passing out and being in a coma and having some wild ass dream but the only time I passed out was when my son was shot. They shot my fucking son.

I feel nothing but at the same time I feel every emotion I can, everything but obviously not happiness.

The room is cold and they have me hooked up to a monitor. I've opened my eyes and I see someone sitting in the room but I don't let them know that I'm awake cause quite frankly I don't want to be.

"Has she woken up yet?" A female voice says walking in.

"No," a male voice says.

The person that just came in the room comes over to my bedside and shakes me a little making me open my eyes.

"Oh good, you're up," a peppy nurse says.

"You can leave immediately you just have to fill out paper work at the front desk," she says unhooking me from monitors.

I don't bother to look at the person in the chair, I already know who it is.

I change out of my hospital clothes and into my own clothes before walking out to go sign out at the front desk.

I walk out of the hospital and to the car.

It's an awkward car ride. Jah just leans on his arm which he rests on the window.

"Stop that," he says talking about me bouncing my knee.

I start to unknowingly drum my fingers on the console.

"Rose," he says getting annoyed.

  I just ignore him and continue drumming my fingers.

  "ROSE!" He yells scaring me.

  I flinch and move away from him pressing my body against the my door.

  I can tell he knows that he made me scared but he doesn't care to apologize because he doesn't feel sorry. Whenever Jah gets seriously hurt it's like he just turns his feelings off, it scares me how he can do this but when he gets emotionally hurt he can just turn off his sympathy and emotions. He won't get sad about what happened to him he'll get angry. It's like he stops himself from feeling sadness, happiness, sympathy and all that he is left with is anger. It's like he just has a switch that turns his emotions off, and it's scary how fast he can turn off his emotions.

  I sink back into the seat put my head in my hands. We arrive at the house and I just go straight upstairs I go into our room and lock the door. I want to be alone and I don't care if he gets mad, it's not my problem.

   Sometimes I manage to do the same thing Jah does with my emotions, I just don't notice it.

"Rose open the door," Jah says after failing to open the door because I locked it.

  I just sit there waiting for him to walk away.

  "Rose, open the damn door," Jah says getting mad.

  I sigh before getting up and opening the door.

  He just pushes past me and goes into our bathroom and turns on the shower.

  I just lay back down facing the wall.

  I scroll through Instagram and all I see are articles about "A$AP Rocky's girl stopping Ski Mask the Slump God's show" and "A$AP Rocky's girl running away with Ski Mask the Slump God" and "A$AP Rocky's girl abandoning him on their romantic date" etc.

   I think back to when I ran away from the restaurant. How I broke into Ski's concert. How Ski dropped everything just to get me back to Florida. How I found out Jah and Kyng got kidnapped. How I got there too late. How I heard the shot that ended my son's life.

  A feel my throat tighten as a tear slips down my face. I start to sob but cover my mouth so my sobs can't be heard.

  The shower turns off so I try and pull myself together.

   I want to pretend like I'm sleeping but I can't because I can't pull myself together well enough.

  I let tears fall from my eyes but try and suppress my sobs by covering my mouth with the blanket. I feel the other side of the bed dip. I sob too loudly for the blanket to suppress it and I feel Jahseh turn around. He pulls my shoulder to make me lay on my back instead of laying on my side. He kisses my cheek and just holds me while I cry even harder.

  "It's gonna be okay," he says while letting a few tears fall too.

  He gave up on trying to stop himself from showing his sadness although he tries to keep it together for me because thinks I need him to be strong he can comfort me but that's not true, I just need him to be here with me, that's all I ask.

  "I love you," he says kissing my temple.

  "I love you too."