Til Death Do Us Part

Bad Day

Over the next few days as anyone could have predicted our routines had continued. Our schedules never matching up. The closest we get to having a real conversation is asking the other to turn their alarm off in the morning. The only real conversation we have is through two screens asking about my meds.

A few days later I finally snapped. Of course, it had to happen when Levi was actually home this time. All day I had been feeling like shit and was really irritable. Levi and I finally were able to spend an hour together before he had to go into work, and it calmed my nerves a little bit being able to spend some actual time with my husband. Well, that was until Levi got a call. After the call, he informed me that he was called into work now. I guess that was what pushed me over the edge.

"Of course you have to work, it's not like your husband actually wants to see you!" I blurted out without being about to stop myself. He went to speak but I just kept going not giving him the chance too. "What excuse is it this time, huh? They need you? It's an emergency?"

"Eren-," his voice was calm and quiet I almost didn't even hear him, but even so I kept going.

"Why do I even bother. It's not like I'm ever going to actually get to see you. I knew falling for you was too good to be true. What's the point of loving someone if you never see them. You know what just go who knows this will probably be the last time we ever see each other because our schedules are just so different."

I knew I wouldn't be home when he got back. I had work tonight and there was no way he would be awake when I did come back home. I plopped myself back down on the couch and he walked into the bedroom without another word to get ready for work.

When he came back out he went to leave but paused at the door before coming back over to me. He leaned down and placed a kiss on my cheek before whispering out an "I love you." Without another word he left.

I know I took my anger out on him, and sure I felt like crap after the fact but he had to leave before I could apologize. I knew I needed to at least text him and apologize, but not just yet since there was still some anger left I didn't want it to come out.

I knew it wasn't his fault but I couldn't help it I was at my breaking point. Levi and I hardly ever fight, and when we do it's always about the same thing. Our work schedules. He never even yelled back... he hardly ever does. He just sat quietly and listened as I yelled at him. After I finished he just got up kissed me on the cheek and left. I mean who does that? I don't deserve him. I just treated him like shit and he kissed me and told me he loved me. I'm a horrible person.

Sure enough, I couldn't get rid of the rest of my built up anger before leaving for work so I just shut my phone off. I'll hopefully see him later tonight. I didn't mean to just leave it that way, but I don't want to blow up at him again. I want to calm down so I can talk it out with him normally.

When I finally finished my shifts I headed straight home. I didn't really eat today and the pain in my stomach was getting to me, but I couldn't eat. I felt too sick too. There was a pit in my stomach and sorrow in my heart. I just wanted to get home and apologize. I felt so guilty for my actions earlier. On my drive home I actually had to pull over with how light headed I got. I guess not eating much these past two days and working like crazy doesn't really mix.

When the lightheadedness finally passed I was able to get back home safely. All the lights were off aside from the kitchen light we leave on for the other when we go to bed. I assumed Levi was already asleep, he did have another early shift in the morning. I poked my head in the bedroom and saw him lying in the bed.

I shut the bedroom door and went back into the kitchen. I know I should eat something, but I couldn't bring myself to. It would just make me sick without this pit in my stomach. I didn't want to wake him up, but I knew I really should apologize. As much as I wanted to do it in person I realized that might not be an option.

I sat down at the table for a minute and wrote out an apology note in case he had to leave before I woke up. In the note, I promised to apologize in person too since I felt so guilty.

"I'm sorry for how I acted earlier. I just miss you and the stress is starting to get to me. I'm sorry for the overreaction. I want to sit down and talk to you soon to try and figure out a way we could get through this issue. I love you and I know this isn't much of an apology, I promise to apologize face to face tomorrow... or I guess sometime after you read this. ~ Love your husband who feels like shit for being a dick to you."

After looking over the note I finally sigh and set it down. It will never be as good as I want it to be, but this will have to do for now at least. I headed into the bathroom my guilt still not subsiding.

I just stood there for several minutes staring into the mirror. I don't know what came over me, but all of the sudden there was a loud crashing noise and a pain in my hand. I blinked and the mirror was broken there was blood coming from my hand and tears clouding my vision.

Did I break the mirror? Even with the pain in my hand, I can't believe I just did that. The door flew open behind me but I hadn't even noticed. The only noises I could hear was the rapid breathing coming from my mouth and the pounding heartbeat that I heard in my ears but felt in my chest. I don't even know when I fell to my knees except the pain from them hitting the tile shot through me finally.

I felt arms wrap around me from behind and I just remember fully breaking. I couldn't even speak with how hard I was sobbing. Everything hit me at once. Looking in the mirror all I could see was how much of a disappointment to everyone I was. My dad worked himself to death for this, is the thought that kept screaming at me, this worthless piece of shit who would be better off dead. This asshole who yells at his husband who is trying to help him so badly. A man who can't even talk to his sister because he's scared she feels the same way about him that he feels about himself. A pathetic disappointment is all you've ever been, and you'll ever be. The voice screamed at me louder and louder until I snapped.

"Sshhh, baby it's okay," I heard Levi's voice softly cut through the louder voices that kept berating and belittling me. I just leaned into his touch. Even though I was such an ass to him this morning he's being so kind. Why? I don't deserve it. I don't deserve him.

After I calmed down a little he cleaned up my hand getting the shards of glass out of it and wrapping it to stop the bleeding. When he finished with my hand he helped me to my feet and lead me to bed without another word. He had disappeared into the bathroom probably to clean up the broken glass that had fallen on the floor. He came back to bed several minutes later and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.

All this without a word spoken to me aside from calming me down. I wonder if he's still mad at me? Is that why he's so quiet? I knew I should break the silence and say something but I couldn't muster up the strength to speak. I wanted to apologize, to thank him, to just tell him how much he means to me. Nothing came out. I told myself I'd tell him in the morning, and if not the morning then later that night.

I waited for sleep to come, and waited and waited. Levi has long since fallen asleep but here I am still awake. Still thinking. I don't know when my eyes finally closed, at first I didn't think they would. However, they opened and rather than the dark room with Levi's warmth wrapped around me the room was bright and the other side of the bed was cold.