Shattered *ON HOLD*

Prologue

I insert the needle swiftly into my forearm, it didnt hurt; not after I've done it a thousand times. I've also kept this a secret for almost three years. Funny no one noticed huh? Nobody cared though, I didn't expect them to either.

My room is really small and messy, books, magazines, clothes and make-up all scattered over the floor. I didn't like it so I spent most of my time out. Now when it was dark outside it seemed even more dull and uninteresting than usually. I didn't bother pulling the curtains shut, I let the moonlight shine on my wooden desk, located right in front of the window. Loose pages of unfinished projects, essays, notes lay open on it. Notes? I couldn't be more untrue. I don't make notes, I don't study, I don't give a damn about my education. I don't care about my grades falling, I don't care about my reputation. I try to stand strong, but admitting that I'm an addict shows my weakness. And I can't even fight it. I can just wait until I am no more but dust and ashes.

I lay on the sheets of my unmade bed, still in my school clothes, never felt more comforting. I could see flashes of my day before my eyes. The bullies, the football match, the fight, the cold metal emergency staircase and blood all over the alluminim floor. Pieces of a mirror were still in my bag, I didn't dare keep them in my locker. I left the blood there on purpose, although I know that it carries my DNA. But I am genetically broken and can't be fixed, so it doesnt really matter, it doesn't at all. When I could no longer stare at the white ceiling, and white blank walls of my bedroom, I deciede it was time to go, it was safe enough. My heart beat was normal, nothing that indicated nervousness or fear. After all I'm not an ordianry girl with an ordianry life. I'm an addict. And I'm not even sorry for myself, that would be so pathetic.

Without much thought I put on my favourite black leather boots and zipped them up. I realised it was chilly outside so I put on my favourite oversized jacket that lay on my bed. I took my bag and counted the dollars placed carefully in a brown envelope; the one you put truthful documents in when you send them to the Department of Finance. But the money you send to the Department of Finance isn't corrupt, it's just pure money. I wish I wasn't so corrupt, but then I don't. I know I wouldn't be able to cope with it. It fears me that I will die prematurely like all the animals in zoos and circus cages. Weird comparison, huh? Bent after all if I die I won't have to face all this damned law being read out to my face when they catch me, but if they don't I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing, and I will consume more and more, and maybe someday the headlines of the main newspaper will say:

"Lindsey Jenner,  pronaunced dead after overdozing many illegal drugs, and addiction."

I scanned the room with my eyes for any evidence my mom can find when she realizes im gone, before closing the door quietly.

The staris creaked under my weight. I stepped down to our little living room and kitchen. Dishes still lay dirty in the sink after this weeks meals. Nobody cared enough to clean them. Because that's how our world is, corrupt, hopless and neutral. I hated it with all my heart, but little could I do. There was morning coffee left on the little table, with only three chairs- battered and destroye by time. Cutlery was scatteres all over the tabletop, used and unused. I looked at the mess and sighed. On the fridge, that contained a half litre bottle of milk and a few eggs, was a photograph of us all together, with Dad. Me my bother Mom and Dad. The only picture of us altogether, and we look happy. Not rotten and deprieved by lies. Mom looks beautiful, her eyes so bright. Matthew looks happy aswell, I longed to see him that happy again, not filled with worry, tiredness... I longed back to the days that passed,,, and will probably never come back. No matter how bad I wanted them to. 

I felt a tear welling up in my eyes, making them glossy so I turned on my heel and exit the room, through the narrow hall I hated so much. Once outside, I went directly towards the dark alley, where the dealer would be waiting for me. It was aproximately 500m from our house, where nobody ever went. It was rather safe to meet up there, not a chance of getting busted. It was just before 3am, the street lights shining their dull light on the lonely road. 

I checked my jeans for some bucks. I put my hood on so that no one would recognise me. Although it would be hard to see in such darkness, but whatever it's better to be careful. It was so dark I could barely see my feet, only the moonlight shining. The vandalised district, with grafitti on every building look more like and abandoned city. City of Shadows as I liked to call it. Only the poor lived there, my brother my and out mother moved there after father left us. I will never forget their big fight that ended in the doors being shut forever.

I knew he would be wating for me, he always did. And although we never exchanged anything more than cash and powder and made small talk, I felt closer to him than to anybody else. We trusted each other, and somehow I regarded him as my friend. He couldn't be that much older than me, but the knew the businness well. I knew his steady hands like my own, I've looked at them like a thousand times. He handed me the bags with such grace and caution it was almost unreal. Like he feared that some cop will jum out of the darkeness and point a gun to his head. I was more relaxed.

"Got the cash?" He asked, slighlty nervous. I coul tell he tensed when he saw me.

"Yeah, here." I answered handing him the cash. He took it and put it into his backpocket. Then he zipped open his bag and gave me the portion of heroin in 20 small sachets. I was to deliver half of them to customers and could keep the rest. I had a supply of heroine hidden in my room under the floor, but some more doesn't hurt. I took them greedily, already imagining the euphoria after I put them into my system.

"This is the last delivery kid, Im afraid we might get busted." He said and looked me in the eye. I felt shivers up my spine.His eyes were wide open, his pupils wide.

"Whatever, I've got enough." I said and walked away.