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I was gripping my skirt a bit tighter on my way out of the Queen dowager's palace. I'm trying my best not to lash out and let the others see how much anger is inside me.
For the past years that we've been dealing with each others, I should know by now not to get affected by her words. But I am. A part of me is affected and I have no idea until when can I handle such ridicule!
She's insulting my whole being and questioning my title as the Queen.
And the fact that she directly called me 'useless' is enough for her to be put in prison and be stripped off of her title. What she have been calling me is classified as treason, a crime against the royal throne!
But I did no action to put an end to it. Because after all, she's the Mother of the ruling King. The Mother of my King, and I am bound to not just the palace and him, but also to her.
But her title would never stop me.
"Are you alright, Your Majesty?" The worried voice of Court Lady Suk halted me back to reality. Her worried face came upon my sight and I gave her a tiny smile, in which I hope can conceal the anger hidden within my being.
"Let's go, Court Lady Suk." I said, walking ahead of her and the other palace maids, in which they've followed seconds after.
I tried to remain calm and put on the mask I have been so good at. Faking. That's what I am. I have been faking my whole identity, I have been faking the courage, the intelligence, the Queen. I am fake and I am well aware of it.
It's been years since I started masking myself in the form of controlling emotions. I have learn by myself how to never let people know more about me. I need to keep the secrecy, for the more I will reveal, the more people will know about my weaknesses. That soon, will be use against me.
To avoid such, I need to be distant. Strong. Determined. Cunning. And Brave. Everything that complete an ideal Queen. An ideal ruler that would match the power of a King.
No one in this palace favors me—aside of some trusted people. Most of the people in here are against me, they said I'm a bit cruel and cold, they said I'm not really a fit for the King. They said I'm not enough to be a Queen. But all those are just empty words, I would love to keep proving them wrong until they got tired of looking down at me.
I will never let them take my title as the Queen of this nation. I would never surrender my crown. I won't break my promise to my Mother. And I won't give up the man I was promised to love.
They can't take what's mine.
My court lady looks like she wanted to utter another word regarding the visit with the Queen's dowager's palace, yet kept herself mute and could only shook her head. She did not dare ask me anything. Was she scared?
We reached the outside of the Queen dowager's palace, but then came into a halt when I saw someone approaching.
My eyes softened upon seeing who it was.
My King.
"Your majesty." I muttered as I bow to show my respect to him. He didn't said anything as he motioned me to stand straight. His blazing gaze found my softened one.
He's mad and I know it. I might even have the idea why.
"I heard what you did." He gritted. His eunuchs could only lower their gaze at the King's outburst. "You tried to sabotage the naming of Consort Hui! You're a Queen yet you keep messing like an imbecile!"
My court lady was about to help me out of the situation but I motioned her to keep her lips shut. I won't let her get in trouble for me.
"My King, you know to yourself where I was when the accident happened." I said, eyes never leaving his blazing one. I tried to hide my fear behind the title of my crown, showing him my authority and calmness. "It is impossible for me to plan such a thing. I'm already a Queen like you've said, I have no reason to do any malicious act like what the others have been saying to you."
Jeongguk can't think straight when he's mad, it's better not to engage with him when a strong emotion envelops his being. And the only thing that I could do to rid my name of any dirt is to reason. Though I know he won't believe.
I didn't move when he stepped closer to me, eyes still blazing in complete anger.
"Like I've said, you're a Queen, that can mean you have everyone wrap around your little fingers. I know what you are capable of." He whispered, "I won't let it pass, Hyun Ae." He added as he gave me one last look of disappointment before he walk away from me.
As I stayed in my feet, completely in daze and pain, while watching him getting further and further from my reach. I wanted to run after him, convince him that for once he must believe me.
That I didn't do it...
I've tell many lies, but those words in my head, they are not one of them. And I couldn't even say it.
"Are you alright, your majesty?" My court lady asked me after closing the door to my room. I shook my head as I sat down, hiding my face in the shelter of my hands. I can't face anyone after what had happened. I can't face Jeongguk knowing how much hatred he have for me now.
I've devoted my whole life to this title and to this crown. I've devoted my life to the King and to his people. But why do I always felt so alone?
"Court Lady Suk..." I called out to the woman who's still standing beside my door "Can you ready a commoner's clothes? I think I'll have to sneak out of the palace again." I muttered as I removed my hands from my face. I look up at Court Lady Suk, who's looking at me with confusion.
"Whatever it is you're planning, if it might hurt you then please don't, Your Majesty." She said, eyes full of pleas. I could only sigh and again, lie.
"It won't hurt me." I said, looking away. "Just ready the clothings, I must leave before the sun sets." I saw how my Court lady nodded her head. And though hesitating, she left to get the things ready for me. While I stayed inside, quiet unwell with what had happened.
The last thing that I would like to encounter was the raging fire in my King's eyes. And I just encountered it. Because of a mere consort.
"When will I ever be in your favor, Jeongguk?" I whispered though no one was there to listen.
