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I was nine when she first came to the palace. A girl in silk clothings, a small flower in her hair as she looks around. Doe eyes staring at everything with so much curiosity. She's pretty. The way she smiles manage to make my breath hitch. The way her eyes shines when she looks at the moon make me feel things. But I was young, I don't know what love meant yet.
I told my brother about her. I told him how much I like her. But he told me she's not for me. She's for him. No matter how my brother wants to give me everything I asked for, he just can't let go of her. I respect it, I understand, but the throbbing inside my young fragile heart did not left.
I would sneak past the guards just to see her. I would sneak out of my palace just to watch her every time she'll stand on the garden, sitting near the pond, watching the moon. Those were the cold nights I kept looking forward to.
When I was twelve, she became one of the girls competing for the Crown Princess, there I realized, she's not for me. All the realizations, the silent warnings my brother gave me, were now sinking in in my fragile brain. I couldn't take it. I couldn't accept it.
So, I tried to give my attention to other people. To other girls. Hwa Young caught my attention, but she did not catch it the way that girl did. But Hwa Young manage to have me begging my father to just let me have her. Because that time, I was young, naive and selfish, I told myself that if I can't have that girl then I will at least have one to replace her.
How foolish could I be!? She can't just be replaced! She's not an object! They are not an object! I am ashamed for thinking that way.
When I gave my attendant the letter asking for Hwa Young, I was questioning myself if that will be worth it. If it will be okay to forget the young love I felt and start anew. But all those came crumbling down when instead of the girl I asked for, she came.
She was lost and shock to see me. But the shock was soon replaced with a small smile. A comforting smile that somehow managed to get me on edge again. I thought of competing against my brother for the throne that night, only if she will be my price.
The feelings did not left, but I learn to ignore them. I told myself that I only see her as a sister or a caring friend that was dear to me. All of those because I don't want to compete with my brother for her. Because I know I will lose.
Again, that was foolish.
At sixteen my brother died. Hwa Young left the palace for unknown reason. Mother became the Queen and I shoulder all of my brother's responsibility. The only thing that managed to stop me from falling deeper into my grave, was her. The thought of a marriage with her was enough to keep me going. Enough, to force me to face all of the scrutinizing gazes of the court. Enough, to face my father.
But things won't always work the way we wanted to.
"That woman will be the death of you!" My mother shouted that one night. "You're being too soft with her! You're letting her penetrate your mind and control you! That is not good!" She hissed in complete anger. I lower my gaze.
