Something Used

Finally Gone

I didn't text Damon until pretty late that night. I wanted to make sure everyone in the house was asleep before I allowed him to come over. The front door would have been too noisy, so I had just told him to welcome himself in the way he always did, through my bedroom window. My eyes were starting to get heavy, I was more worn out then I thought I would be at this hour. When I finally saw some movement outside, I stood up from my bed. I couldn't help but frantically play with my hands, I didn't know what was gonna be said tonight.

"Hey." He whispered as soon as his feet touched my carpet.

"Hi."

The conversation felt forced and awkward. Neither of us seemed to know what to say next. Our usual conversations just consisted of bickering, but after my stunt today I think it was all on me to say something.

"I feel weird about what I did today." I sighed when I got the words out. When did I ever get enough guts to kiss Damon willingly?

"Okay. How so." he asked.

"It's just not something I would have ever done you know? I think something just came over me."

He was quick to keep me from continuing, "no no no no no, Elena do not try to convince yourself that you were out of your element or something. That's bullshit."

I shrugged, "well maybe. Yeah maybe I wanted to kiss you."

He bit his lip and approached me slowly, I inhaled sharply to keep from being intimidated. I made sure to take a step back so I wouldn't get distracted by his pretty face.

"You still want to." He whispered and started getting closer to me.

"Look," I put my hand to his chest to push him away from me softly, "I don't know what I thought I would accomplish by asking you to come here. This morning... it was a relief to see you again. You know? Because I know you. I knew you but not in the right way. I always knew you as someone at the edge of my memory. Where details were faint and my curiosity remained peaked. With so many unanswered questions for so long, how would you expect me to react? I wanted to know why I knew you, but didn't at the same time--"

"But you do have the answers. I thought I answered all of them Elena. You know me and everything I hid from you." He muttered with confusion in his eyes.

"It shouldn't have been like that Damon." I shook my head as I finally admitted to myself the hard truth. I never really wanted to let go of this guy because I didn't even know who this guy was. Now that I do, I can feel my body rejecting him in every way. My mind was screaming no. This isn't me. If I pursued him, what kind of person would that make me. "Maybe.. If I had met you at a nice bar or something while I was embarrassing the hell out of myself. Possibly at a state fair, where you would catch my eye." Tears began to well up in my eyes as I finally let go of this horribly heavy weight off my entire body. I had been carrying it around for too long, I couldn't even pinpoint how long. That was the entirety of the problem. Everything was the problem. "But I was never that one girl that made you not want to look anywhere else.." I let the tears slip down my cheeks easily.

"Elena.." He sighed, remaining quiet.

"I was something that you used and threw whenever needed, and I didn't even know about it." My put my hand over the skin of where my heart would be as if I was somehow mending it. "That's the problem Damon. I wanted to know you because I had no idea how I remembered you. Every time that I tried," I sniffled, "I was given a hard shove in the direction I came from. We were always back to square one." I pointed to him and then me repetitively. "This isn't right. You know it. I'm just able to say it out loud for the both of us to hear. I like you... I like you a lot, I know I do. I want to kiss and hug you but I just can't. You battered and beat me so badly, I can't tell what's right and what's wrong anymore. You manipulated my mind and the puzzle pieces never fit right. How can I just throw my arms around you and say I'm happy like this? I'm not." I looked at him nervously, hoping he would somehow understand. I had gathered how extremely stubborn he was with getting what he wanted. I was a horrible person for leading him on. I would regret that for as long as I will remember.

He just stood there, staring at me in horror. His eyes became glossy, his irises poring into mine as if they'll be the last thing he'll ever see.

"You're a vampire for Christ's sake." I scoffed while my tears refused to remain controlled. "I'm sorry I kissed you today, I am it was shitty. I don't think I've never not wanted you but, I was happy... I was happy before you ever came into my life. Sure you think my boyfriend was phony or whatever. Who cares? This is life. This is NORMAL human life. It doesn't include you. I will never bother you again. Ever."

He pressed his lips together firmly when I finished my tangent. "you did today."

"I was wrong and I'm sorry. I promise it'll never happen again. I got jealous with my stupid human emotions. I'm sorry." I meant it. I know I would do it again as long as he remained in my constant wake. That's why he needed to go, I deserved that much.

"Look at me." He suddenly got very still and serious. When I didn't meet his gaze when requested, he repeated himself immediately.

I reluctantly met my eyes with his and bit down on my lip. Such pretty eyes on something not even remotely close to human.

He spoke in a soft whisper, "you will do exact-"

I instantly shut my eyes and threw my hands over my eyes. "God damn it what is wrong with you! Are you really trying to control me right now? Honestly? After everything I just said!" I kept my hands over my eyes, in fear that I will mistakenly look into his eyes again and be captured there. I know if I do that, there will be holes in my memory all over again. This was exactly what I was afraid of. Change never happening. He will manipulate me as long as he will live and he will never change. It was his nature.
"Leave. Please. I mean it this time I swear. Never come back or so help me God. I will pack my shit and leave tomorrow. I can't take it anymore. LEAVE!"
I screamed the last word as if it would emphasize how much I truly wanted it to stick. I waited a couple seconds before slowly letting my knees sink to the floor. My legs weren't letting me hold my weight any longer. My hands were stuck to my face because I was petrified to see again. I wanted to be alone. I was not sure how many minutes passed. I know I sat there on the carpeted floor for a while before peeking through my fingers. I slowly ripped my hands away from my eyes to fortunately discover I was the only one in the room. My curtains blew with the night breeze.