look at me (i exist)

[two]

liam had begun to develop a strange sense of morning sickness. it seems as if every morning his stomach would twist and clutch, as if punishing him for some unknown act he had committed. the bad part of it was waking up and having the godawful taste of stomach acid in the back of his throat. the worst part of it was never getting rid of the feeling. liam could gag for hours and still feel like something was begging to be ejected out of him.

liam doesn't know what his body is trying to purge from his system. he's pretty sure his body doesn't know what it's trying to evict either.

when liam has a practice scheduled with the others, he lies about having had a good night's sleep and breakfast, two things liam no longer can do. he's up all night trying to force down stomach acid and busy all morning trying to force it back up.

he figures that his friends don't need to know the truth. he didn't want them to worry about him. they all had their own problems to focus on.

dance practice is a completely new form of tiring now that his stomach is always churning. moving around as rapidly as they do makes him feel like he's on a roller coaster. the walls kind of blur into one another, but that's not really as connected to the nausea as it is to his lack of sleep. he practically collapses onto the floor in exhaustion when their choreographer calls for break.

"Tired?"

cori is almost sarcastic in her tone, but more playful than anything else. she was sat down with her back pressed to the wall of mirrors. liam could feel his legs being lifted into cori's lap and watched as cori ran a hand through her own sweaty hair before deciding to close her eyes.

cori had this strange comfortable feel to her, like an old and worn sweater. all of them were so different and cori knew that. she had methods of caring for each of them ingrained into her mind like a computer database. she was a strange combination of being gentle, tough, and understanding.

in short, cori seemed to embody the essence of being a family, one that could reach them all no matter where they were.

"Liam, have you been getting sleep?"

liam sighed. he could feel a headache slowly beginning to throb behind his forehead and the lights in the practice room were disgustingly fluorescent. cori brushed two of her fingers along the spot where liam would have visible dark circles if he hadn't been wearing makeup to hide them. he mulled over cori's question and was slightly scared of how his mind wanted to respond.

"If you think I look like shit, then just say it."

that isn't what cori meant. he's sure of it, but his brain had this new, unfounded malice floating around and infecting all his thoughts. he wasn't sure when he began to feel so angry, but it was starting to weigh on him.

"Yeah, I've been getting sleep."
"Not a lot?"

"What are you, my mother? It's really none of your business. Fuck off."

"Hm. Some."

though liam had his eyes closed, he could guess that cori did nothing but nod in response. he felt the older girl begin to massage his ankles and he was grateful because god, did they hurt. but he was also upset.

why did cori have to ask so many questions? it really wasn't any of her business. why was she so nosy? it pissed liam off and he didn't want cori to touch him while he was angry. liam yanked his legs into a folded position and out of cori's lap.

cori let out a small noise of surprise but let him do it anyways.
————
jay had been the one to suggest eating dinner together after practice. if you could even call it dinner, that is. most people, presumably, don't have dinner at one in the morning. but, schedules were schedules and dance practice was dance practice, so that's what they were doing.

liam felt a bit strange eating at such an hour. something about the break in the social normative schedule got a bit under his skin, but he could ignore it if he truly wanted, which he did.

they were all sitting on the floor of the practice room, takeout scattered along the floor and in the middle of their makeshift half-circle. liam could hear the four of them chattering and laughing but it was almost as if he was listening to static in between radio stations. there was one person on either side of his knees and yet he still felt far away, like he was millions of leagues under the sea while the rest were on the shore.

this went on for a few minutes and liam is almost positive that he must've talked or laughed or hummed in response at some point or another.
————
"Have you guys noticed anything different about Liam lately?"

jay could feel all eyes on him, some confused and others intrigued. liam had left a little earlier than the others, muttering something about a longer commute than the rest, and even though jay felt a bit bad talking about liam when he wasn't around, he was worried.

"I haven't. Have you?"

it was kris who was asking, wiping the sweat from his brow with his arm. he looked around at the others and froze his gaze on cori, who seemed deep in thought.

"Actually, and this may not mean anything but, he seemed somewhat upset earlier. I don't know if he's been getting a lot of sleep so I just figured that he was a bit grumpy."
"I'm worried for him..."
"When are you not?"

kris hit lisa's arm gently in response. lisa was a naturally mischievous and sarcastic person, but she also couldn't read a room and see it was the wrong time to be herself. kris whispered to lisa, presumably telling her to stop being rude.

"I mean," lisa began. "You always worry about all of us. It's sweet of you."
"Have you talked to him?"

jay nodded slightly, answering cori's question.

"Hm...Yeah. I went over to his place recently and stayed overnight. Lee's place looks so cold and empty. It's as if no one inhabits it...I think he likes being alone, but not being lonely. I think...I think Liam really needs us to help him out. Talk to him, at the very least..."

all of them looked at jay, confused, before looking to each other with the same expression. liam was practically their brother and to hear how he was doing hit them full force. now, they all shared the same thought.

was liam doing okay?