look at me (i exist)

[three]

perhaps thinking about death too much is an unhealthy thing. liam liked to think that everyone, at some point or another, thinks about their demise and what will become of them when it arrives. while that may be true, (liam is almost positive it is) there must be a certain limit that one person cannot exceed without seeming somewhat unwell.

it isn't like liam is afraid of death. no, that fear left him after his grandparents took their own leave from the planet. it also wasn't a suicidal need to die, or at least, he didn't think it was. it was just that death seemed to plague his mind, as if he was simply just waiting for it to happen to him.

this, by all means, is not how he wished to live, but he also didn't have the energy to change.

the thing that made things so much harder for him was that he couldn't really talk to anyone about this strange, morbid obsession without getting unwanted attention brought to his mental health. if he told any of the boys, they would worry and probably tell the managers. liam would become yet another young adult who was admitted to a mental hospital and everyone would know.

don't even get him started on why he couldn't tell anyone in his family.

he supposed that maybe some things are just made to be secrets.
                        ————
jay had texted liam late one night, albeit a normal time for jay to be messaging him with his frequent insomnia.

"Lee-bee," the message said. "I need to buy a new desk for my room. won't you help?" the message was quickly followed by an emoticon of a cute cat begging. It was hard for liam to say no to jay. even harder now that he knew if he denied him this time it would raise alarm.

so, long story short, liam was strolling through the aisles of a furniture store alongside jay and lisa, who had decided to come along last minute. liam always felt a bit strange around jay and lisa. he knew they were close friends, but he couldn't help but have a small inclination that the two were slightly more than that, or at the very least, wanted to be.

"That one looks nice." lisa commented, pointing at one of the desks. liam thought it was ugly, but he didn't say anything.

"The color won't match my other furniture." jay whined. "That's too light. Everything else is dark in my room."

"You don't have to get it in that color , dummy." lisa said back, but you could tell she didn't want to fight about, since she began to sip at the coffee she had been holding.

"Lee, what do you think?" jay asked, still looking at the ugly desk lisa had suggested. liam looked at it for a while, as if he was actually thinking of how to answer.

"It's whatever you want to get." he answered, trying to seem as neutral as possible. jay looked at liam for a moment, almost dissatisfied and looked back at the desk.

"I think I can find a prettier one." jay said, making his way down the aisle and lisa following.

liam wasn't sure if jay had said that because he meant it or if he simply had gained the special power of reading liam's mind.
                       ————
liam had headed back to jay's home after they had purchased a desk, and he was happy that jay had just so happened to be home alone. not that he didn't love jay's family, but they all had such big hearts, and liam found it just a bit exhausting to play happy for them all.

lisa had come home with them as well, claiming to be a helping hand in moving the desk inside and setting it up. however, knowing lisa, she would probably sit perched on jay's bed and scrutinize their efforts at putting the desk together.

as lisa and jay tried to shuffle the box containing the desk upstairs, liam couldn't help but be distracted by a certain, present member of jay's family. though he hadn't been anything close to happy lately, there was always something that did manage to make him smile.

dogs.

liam loved dogs more than life itself and he's pretty sure that his two dogs are the only things in world keeping him sane. (well, as sane as possible.) something about them made him happier than anything else. maybe it was the fact that dogs were unconditionally loving, and always overexcited. yes, it's true, the rambunctious bunch did have a tendency to get a bit under his skin, but he loved them just the same.

"Liam, are you coming?" jay called out.

liam jumped slightly at the sudden question. he looked at the stairs, surprised to find them empty. he must have been so deep in thought that he hadn't even noticed that jay and lisa had made their way up.

"Yes..." liam replied, so quiet it was practically a whisper.

"Are you okay?" jay asked, coming around the corner.

liam jumped again at the sudden closeness of the voice. jay must've headed downstairs to check on him.

"Yes, I...It's just Bao. She...can't get up the stairs." liam commented, pointing at the struggling dachshund.

"Oh." jay responded, coming down the stairs and picking up the little thing. "Hm...It's because she's too fat. The vet said she should try to lose weight but my mom feeds her a lot." 

"Is it bad for her?" liam asked, a bit worried. "I mean, will Bao have health issues if she doesn't?"

"I don't think so." jay said, walking back upstairs, liam in tow. "It won't kill her faster, if that's what you're thinking."

liam wasn't sure if jay had said that because he meant it or if he simply had gained the special power of reading liam's mind.