look at me (i exist)

[six]

aside from cori and kris, no one stayed at the group home that often anymore. when they did, it was mostly when their work and practice schedules reached a peak of high demand. being at the house was comfortable, though. it was like coming home for holidays after years of living alone.

their old rooms still remained, furniture covered under a few layers of dust and a few, old clothes still in dresser drawers. it was strange how the place felt like people we're missing, like the rooms were abandoned, while also showing evidence of recent life. kris had tried to keep up with the empty room, frustrated by any sense of mess, but eventually it had become tedious.

jay didn't mind sleeping there, but he hated sleeping alone. something about the bare furniture and sudden scenery change that made it even worse on his insomnia. the worst part of it all was that jay never felt more exhausted than he did on the days he had to stay in the house, but he often sat up in bed waiting for his insomnia to cease.

most times he found himself staying with lisa or liam during those nights. he would lie awake as the other slept soundly beside him. he actually found the noises of their breath a bit calming, as well as the warmth radiating off the other's body.

on the rare occasion, all of them would sleep in the same bed, cuddled close together and piled over one another in a giant puddle of bodies. this was jay's favorite thing. being surrounded by everyone's warmth and the masculine & feminine scents of their skin mixing together wasn't something he got often, so it was always a nice feeling. even though it didn't make him fall asleep faster, he still enjoyed lying beside them all, limbs and bedsheets tangled together as he stared up at the ceiling.

what he was currently doing was a strange form of that. he was lying beside them all, albeit not the only one awake like usual. in fact, they were all awake, except for liam. in the midst of crying his eyes out, liam had begged the others to not leave him; he claimed he couldn't be alone again, not tonight.

it was hardly a request they could deny.

so, they all traveled back to the house, gathering together on cori's bed. liam was practically out like a light as soon as his skin touched the softened fabric of the sheets. jay understood that; crying was one of the most exhausting activities to ever exist and he knew that more than anyone else. the way liam had cried and then fallen asleep, however, lead jay to believe that liam hadn't done either of those things in a very long time.

so, jay was lying there in cori's bed, surrounded by everyone's warmth and the masculine & feminine scents of their skin mixing together, stroking the sleeping boy's hair as he breathed softly, letting out quiet, sleepy noises.

"What are we going to do about Liam? What are we going to do to help Lee-Bee?" jay asked quietly, not tearing his eyes away from the boy's sleeping form.

kris hummed in response. cori coughed. lisa had her eyes shut, but jay could tell she wasn't asleep quite yet.

"What are we going to do to help Lee?" jay repeated, tone exactly the same as it was before.

"Well," kris started.

"What could we possibly do?" lisa finished. her eyes were still closed.

"I don't think we're equipped to help him. We don't really even know what's wrong with him." cori added.

"So, we do nothing?"

"No." all of them answered this time.

"Then what?" jay asked, liam shifting in his sleep and almost pulling his own hair as jay's hand ran through it.

kris hummed. cori coughed. lisa had her eyes shut, but jay could tell she wasn't asleep quite yet.

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sometimes liam's dreams were more like memories.

he isn't sure why that is, but dreams are normally a very unconscious, uncontrollable aspect of life, so he doesn't spend most of his time dwelling on it. even though his dreams are like memories, they are always a bit different. sometimes the situations are the same, but the outcome is different. other times he watches things like they're movies flickering in his mind. sometimes he's reliving everything, every aching feeling from the memory.

sometimes liam's dreams were more like memories. liam didn't dream often; well, he did, but he doesn't call them dreams, so much as they are nightmares. when memories are played again and again, it feels like a strange self-inflicted torture. he sees things he thought washed away down the sink long ago; he watches places and people who he probably wouldn't recognize anymore.

liam dreams about the third time he had sex a lot.

even though his dreams are like memories, they are always a bit different. sometimes the situations are the same, but the outcome is different. other times he watches things like they're movies flickering in his mind. sometimes he's reliving everything, every aching feeling from the memory.

when he dreams about having sex for the third time, sometimes he's still in his body. it's hollow and he can feel a faint sensation of pleasure, but it doesn't feel good. he feels the consonants and vowels of his friend's name rolling out of his mouth in a soft moan. he sees the person's face, the one who is actually physically with him. it's this strange heartbroken look that liam had never seen before in his life and it's image haunts him at night.

when he dreams about having sex for the third time, sometimes he watches their bodies colliding, like a filthy movie he can't look away from. he feels a pit of disgust in his stomach as he watches his mouth open and moan out his dear friend's name. "Disgusting," he says in his mind. "Moaning another person's name during sex? Disgusting."

sometimes liam's dreams were more like memories, most of them bad.

naturally, liam dreams about the third time he had sex a lot.

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liam wakes up at around what he could only assume to be afternoon. the five of them came back to the house late, maybe around two in the morning. his eyes are puffy and swollen, from crying or excessive sleep, he isn't sure.

all his friends were fast asleep.

kris was lying to the right of him with cori's head resting on his chest in an odd position, like she had only ended up there by moving around in her sleep. lisa was lying completely opposite of them, with her head at the foot of the bed. her hair was fanned out across her cheeks and forehead. she had kicked off all the blankets around her. jay was to the left of liam, breathing out quick and soft breaths of sleep. he had his hand stretched above to the pillow, almost touching liam's head at the limping angle it was resting in. he was wrapped up in the covers, like a tiny cocoon.

liam sat up slowly, trying not to rustle too much and wake the others. he listened to the sound of them breathing in tandem while staring at the wall. it wasn't ugly like the one back in his apartment.

liam looked back at the crowded bed before laying back down.

he buried his face into the bed.

it smelled like home and liam felt like he was finally happy for the first time in a long time.

he wasn't sure how long it would last, but god, it felt good.

liam didn't know when he began to cry softly. he also didn't know when he began to fall back asleep.