look at me (i exist)

[five]

sometimes liam forgets that he's a real person that exists at every second that passes. it sounds strange at first, but it wasn't too hard to understand.

sometimes liam felt detached from himself, like he's floating outside of his body or watching a movie of himself. sometimes he just forgets where he is, what he's doing, or what he's saying. he will go places and do things, but often times, he isn't sure how he got there or what he did there. he felt like he wasn't entirely present at certain moments. sometimes it took him a while to feel okay and others it didn't.

although liam doesn't like to admit it, he doesn't know what's wrong with him, not on his own. liam thinks he wants to feel better, but he isn't sure how.

he isn't sure if he even can get better.
                         ————
when liam catches his reflection in a mirror, his eyes seem to always go to his scar.

he isn't entirely sure where his mother or grandmother were when it happened. all he remembers is that the flower pot was a bit high up compared to his small stature. it had pretty red and pink flowers in it and liam had only wanted to see the pretty flowers up close. he didn't know that the pot would fall.

but, it did, and hit him right on his forehead and right by his eye. it hurt so much and liam remembers practically screaming out crying. he remembers that the world looked red for a while, but it wasn't until he was a bit older that he realized that it was blood dripping towards his eye. his grandmother had rushed out to him and liam remembers being in the emergency room while his mother cried her eyes out from worry.

it wasn't as bad as it could've been; that's what the doctor had said. any closer to his eye and liam could've been blinded, but that wasn't the case. he remembers that his mother hadn't stopped crying, even after hearing that liam would be fine. he supposes that she must have blamed herself, which he thought was a bit silly because it's not like she had pulled the flower pot down. liam had. his grandmother soothed her daughter, relieved that her son would be alright.

he doesn't remember much after that, except for having to wear an itchy band of gauze and getting ice cream. what he does remember was his mother never leaving his side for the next few weeks. liam wasn't too upset by this because he loved his mom and she never really seemed to be around enough.

liam is pretty sure that those few weeks were the first time he had ever felt what it was like to have someone truly be concerned for his wellbeing.

when liam catches his reflection in a mirror, his eyes seem to always go to his scar.

when he sees it, he remembers pretty flowers, an itchy gauze, ice cream, and the feeling of his mother's arms around him as she whispered words of love.
                          ————
sometimes liam felt detached from himself, like he's floating outside of his body or watching a movie of himself. sometimes he just forgets where he is, what he's doing, or what he's saying. he will go places and do things, but often times, he isn't sure how he got there or what he did there.

liam thinks that he must be having one of those days because all he remembers was waking up and then suddenly he's out at a park with all of his friends. it's night time now and liam is a bit confused because he isn't sure where the day went. he could have sworn that it had been morning a few moments ago, but the moon was far too high in the sky to be early evening.

he knows that the five of them can only ever got out comfortably when it's dark and liam actually likes the soft crickets chirping and the way the streetlamps light up the sidewalk. lisa and jay are walking a bit ahead of him, hands intertwined and liam feels a bit jealous. not of lisa and not of jay, but of both of them, because liam likes to hold hands and he wishes he was doing that, too. he isn't sure if it's a romantic gesture between the two or if it's just them simply being themselves. cori is walking ahead of them all and liam has a feeling that he might be leading them all somewhere but he isn't sure. kris is beside liam and it's a bit annoying because he's casting a tall shadow over him.

when they finally stop walking, liam almost doesn't notice until he runs into the back of jay, accidently forcing him forward a bit due to the general rules of physics. jay lets out a sound of surprise and tells him to be more careful, but not for his sake, but for liam's. they seemed to have stopped at a child's playground and liam can only assume that this is where they had intended to go.

they all seem to go in different directions, but liam is the only one to go sit down on a bench. the streetlight is right above him and makes him feel warm. he looks to his side at the time-worn water fountain beside him, seeing himself in the silver surface.

when liam catches his reflection in a mirror, his eyes seem to always go to his scar. when he sees it, he remembers what it was like to have someone truly be concerned for his wellbeing.

"Lee-Bee! Come swing with us!" jay called out.

liam looked away from the silver reflection and glanced over to where jay was sitting on the swingset placed in a large sandbox, kris pushing him back and forth with a face mixed with fondness and annoyance. lisa and cori are having a contest to see who can go the highest.

he gets up slowly, almost not wanting to move due to his lack of energy. he walks into the sandbox, feet sinking slightly in the new surface. he is about to make his way to the empty swing when his foot hits the hard plastic surface of a forgotten toy truck.

it's a small thing really, but it hits liam like a rock to the chest. he can't help but look at this and think of the young child who brought it to the playground in the first place.

small things matter when you're small. when you're small, small things are big things. he can imagine this child, tired from a day of play, only thinking of food, a bath, a nap. anything other than the fact that they left behind their toy. he imagines the child coming home and realizing what's missing. he imagines the child begging their parent to rush back to retrieve it, but it's late and their parent assures them it will be there in the morning. but, the child can't sleep. it's something that was happiness for the child and now it's lost, possibly never to be seen again.

liam knows what it's like to lose that happiness. never to be seen again. liam doesn't think he'll be happy again. he can't keep lying. he isn't okay. he's sad, angry, empty. he isn't okay. he can't keep lying.

"Liam."
"Lee, are you okay?"
"Bee. Are you crying? What's wrong?"
"Liam, tell us what's wrong."

liam hadn't realized he started crying, and doesn't even notice it's the bad kind of crying. the kind where your chest heaves and you have to gasp for air. the kind where saliva builds up in your mouth and your eyes turn red and puffy. the kind when you clutch onto your chest in hopes of grounding yourself back to reality, away from the hurt.

"Liam." although he can't hear very well through his loud gasps, he can tell it's jay who is asking. "Are you okay?"

although he can't talk very well through the lump in his throat, he can tell he's answering.

"No."