this school year has been...weird. i don't really know how to describe it because everytime i feel i am reaching my absolute lowest point, something great happends that makes me understand things differently.
last year, i went up to my crush literally wearing my heart on my sleeve to confess my feelings. Not because i was expecting a relationship but more like it was me trying to confront all these new things that i was feeling in hopes of clearing up any misunderstandings and just move on. of course, luck wasn't on my side and instead of receiving a definite answer in return, all i got was an i dont know.
to make matters worse, im the type of person who gets attached for a very long time which is why it gets me pissed (and sad) af when others dont hold the same appreaciation for moments that clearly mean a lot to me. im also the type of person who feels like she needs to have someone that she can rely on, that one person who will always be there. i need someone constant (yeah im a very dependent person im tryna work on that).
anyway, it wasn't until freshmen year that i finally found my constant. expect, flash forward two years, and suddenly because we don't share any classes just the two of us we've been drifting off. it sucks, and i tell myself that people come and go and things change but i feel like my world isn't the same.
and then, this school year (my junior year) is the most difficult. like i just do not have the energy to do anything once i get home and i always wanna sleep all the time. and im constantly worried about doing presentations at school because i have a love hate relationship with public speaking. but i said i wouldn't run away from this challenge.
and great news!!! my entire high school career i've been terrified of joining the debate team because of this stupid horrible debate i did at the beginning of freshmen that really scarred me lmao so i quit the team and i always felt like that was the one challenge i was constantly running away from. so this year, (thanks to my bff) i was like fck it and i joined and i've been doing gr8!! so everytime i have a problem im like 'em u were really terrified of confronting this fear and now im sitting here having joined for about three months now' and i think thats beautiful because if i can do that, then i feel like i can do anything lol. this might sound insignificant to others, but for me it was such a hard thing to do u guys honestly.
on the other side, because we had already done a practice act exam the week before we took the real one, i stupidly didn't try at all on the actual one because i kept thinking so what? we have two more tries anyway but then the results came and yeah, i only went down by two points but omf my score sucks and it stressess me out how much this can affect my chances of getting into a good college out of state.
and then, i have financial problems that just really cause me to stress at another level. like its been a built up over the years and i feel like im honestly drowning because its not fair how hard my parents work and how little they receive in exchange. i know i've said in the past where i've mentioned my anxiety, but i never actually meant a disorder, it was more like a culmination of my stress and worry and nerves built up into one. i know that my problems aren't that deep its more of like small things that happen one after the other that aren't so great that just cause me to worry but then (thank god) there's a silver lining. all this past month has been horrible in between finals, trynna get all a's, and messy friendships, and an even messier situation at home and suddenly i receive the best news, i was accepted into the summer program of my dreams u guys!!! and i was given a full ride :))))))) of course, now i have to worry about flight costs, getting a passport, and u know convincing my parents to go out of the country for literally an entire month. but i feel like just the fact that i was accepted and given so much money its just a sign from the universe telling me to chill bc no matter how bad things get, there's always a silver lining. (lmao i just saw the movie silver linings playbook and i love it !!!)
anyway, this past year has been horrible for me in terms of mindset so i've decided that my new years resolution is to maintain a positive mindset. so i decided that i will be writing entrees (sort of?) of my life and whats bothering me so that i have a healthy outlet that is actually benefitting me . i just need to remember that everything comes and everything changes and what i worry about rn won't be important ten years from now .
