i don't really know what I have.
I don't know if its a deep unsatisfaction with the way my life is going rn, general unhappiness, or something a little more extreme?
this past month (school yearish?) has been so, so, detached from reality? Its weird. Im not happy or sad, more of just a persistent feeling of detachment from everything. I'll laugh throughout th day, sure. but I never really feel it.
I feel like its just me and my never ending thoughts. I feel alone. I guess that's part of the reason why I liked talking to him so much, yeah sure he had a great personality but the reason I've been pining over him sm hasn't been because I actually like him but because I feel lonely. I used to like being alone but now being alone makes me feeling lonely and I don't like it.
im in a constant state of apathy towards everything with certain brief moments of happiness that come and go. but this week more than anything I've felt entirely hopeless. like everything ive been doing is being done without a purpose. Like everything i've accomplished throughout my high school career has been for nothing. i hate feeling this way.
but more than anything I hate feeling guilty. I hate that im jealous of my best friend. shes beautiful and she had such a tough time last year and now shes doing some much better and I hate that i feel like shes progressing and im not. I hate that I feel inferior.
I hate that lately ive been fantasizing about her bf and I know its not really him I want, its what he gives her. this sense of comfort and stability that she doesn't get anywhere else, not even from me. I hate that I feel like im back in eight grade with my insecurities at an all time high except this time its stupid itsstupid and i know it but i feel like i wont ever be loved.
people tell me that those things dont matter right now and that I should worry about getting the hell out of the valley and theyre right, theyre absolutetly right. but i didnt even apply out of state and i feel like I gave up somehow? I know I shouldn't.
I got into an amazing school thats closer to home than what i wanted but I had to compromise for my family. but what if i dont even make it there?
this entire week has been a jumbled mess of emotions. I cry over anything, I get mad at everyone. I hate it.
ive lost track of how many times Ive cried today.
I hate that it feels like im always going to be like this. I dont want to look back and feel disappointed at all the things I didnt do but I cant find the motivation to do anything but sleep. sleep and sleep. sleeping is always on my mind. its my escape.
that and fantasizing . I can't stop thinking of all the things I wish I did, of all the ways i could be admired.
I read somewhere that approval comes from within. I tried that whole 'talk to yourself in a better way' thing but i realized that i never really talk to myself in a negative way. I just feel bad and i dont know how not without not feeling at all.
its weird.
i feel numb to everything but for some reason this week i felt so so sad and a part of me wanted to embrace that feeling just so that i could feel something but now its all i feel and i dont know how not to let it consume me?
i realize that not a lot of what im saying makes sense. i dont make sense a lot lately, i procrastinate and im lazy and i dont know what to do. the only thing that makes me feel better is going out w. my friends? this is the only way i dont feel like im alone with my thoughts.
anyway, i decided to write this because I know that writing your thoughts is therapeutic. idk if itll actually help but I feel so damn guilty for the thoughts that ive having. i dont want to feel this way anymore because i love my best friend and i know that this isnt me but i just want to see people fall. i want the world to mourn and be sad w me too.
